And you thought he was exaggerating!

This Guy Has All the Answers

By Rick Horowitz

When I want to know how the world works, there's only one place I turn. Let other people waste their time digging for truth in the Great Books, or wandering around on the cutting edge of science. When I want to know where we are and how we got there, I listen to Tom DeLay.

He's not like other politicians.

Other politicians start out in the world by shaking hands and slapping backs; they're thinking politics and smiling that politician's smile from the time they're knee-high to a county clerk. Tom DeLay started out as an exterminator -- killing rodents gives a man perspective. So the minute Tom DeLay started talking about how the liberals got God out of the schools, I was all ears.

This was when the liberals in Congress were trying to take away our guns again, and Tom DeLay was right there on the floor blocking them at every pass, not to mention giving speeches and going on TV. He understood that it wasn't guns that were killing all those kids in Littleton and everywhere else. It was liberal principles -- day care and evolution and all the rest.

And the really big thing the liberals did, Tom DeLay was saying, was when they got God out of the schools. That's when all our problems started.

Now, I know how certain people react when they hear Tom DeLay explaining this kind of thing -- certain cynical, skeptical people. They think, "Wait a minute! You're talking about God who created the heavens and the earth? Who made all the plants and all the animals? Who breathed the very breath of life into human beings? God who stopped the sun in its tracks and split the Red Sea? The all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful God?

"And you're saying that this God couldn't hold His own against a bunch of liberals?!"

That's exactly what Tom DeLay is saying. And he's right, too -- I remember it like it was yesterday. I think it was a Thursday.

I'm pretty sure it was a Thursday because I used to do my grocery shopping on Thursdays, and I remember I had a cart full of groceries when I passed by the school and saw all the commotion. I was worried the milk was going to spoil. Then again, it isn't every day you get to see liberals taking on God like that.

"We've got You surrounded!" one of the liberals was shouting through his liberal megaphone. "Come out with Your commandments up!"

And the other liberals -- there must have been two dozen of them -- were all around the outside of the building, holding their liberal signs and shouting their liberal slogans. I'd never heard such a ruckus. I'll bet it was exactly the same way in Tom DeLay's hometown, and I'll bet he didn't like it any more than I did.

By the time I got there, the liberals had gotten hold of a moving van. They'd backed it up against the main entrance and slid that metal ramp right up against the front door. I hadn't figured God would need a van, even if He did decide to give Himself up. But it was just such a liberal thing to do, trying to micromanage every detail instead of leaving it to God to decide for Himself.

Anyway: Every hour or so, one of the liberals would peek inside the van. He'd shake his head and move back to where the other liberals were. Then they'd shout some more and shake their signs even harder. I guess getting God out of the schools wasn't as easy as they'd thought it would be. (If they'd had a Tom DeLay on their side, they could have fumigated the place and smoked Him out!)

Finally, right around dinner time, two of the liberals crept around to the back door of the school and tiptoed inside with flashlights. They were in there for half an hour at least, and when they came out again they had big smiles on their faces.

"He's gone!" one of them shouted. "Not a trace of Him anywhere!" And all the liberals burst into cheers and went off to undermine family values.

I remember thinking to myself, "How can they tell? How can they be so sure they've really got God out of our schools?" But by midnight, there were scattered reports of children misbehaving all over town. By morning, there were gangs on every street corner and actions no longer had consequences. Things were never the same after that.

So when Tom DeLay talks, I listen.

Posted 6/22/99. Fresh stuff right here twice weekly!

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