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In the thick of it Martha -- My Dear!By Rick Horowitz "...take your seats, please. If you ladies would settle down and take your seats, please, we can get started. That's perfect -- thank you very much. Let me call to order this emergency meeting of the Minions of Martha, Green Glade Chapter No. 282. Will the secretary read the minutes of the last meeting?" "Move that the reading of the minutes be dispensed with, Madame Chairman." "An excellent thought, Kirsten, though let me take official notice that our secretary's hand-crafted, leather-bound minutes book is looking particularly lovely this afternoon." "Thank you, Madame Chairman." "Not at all. Excellent craftsmanship needs to be recognized, even under trying circumstances." "Especially under trying circumstances!" "I couldn't agree more, Mira -- you hit the home-forged, individually milled nail right on the head. So, ladies: How do we deal with this? Gretchen?" "I think it's a crime!" "Gretchen!!" "What they're doing to her -- that's what I meant! All these stories about insider stock deals and things -- she'd never do anything wrong like they're saying she did, because...because..." "Because she's Martha!" "Thank you, ladies. I think we're all agreed that Her Most Supreme Proficiency has been unjustly accused, since it says very clearly right here in Article II, Section 3 of our charter that 'Martha Stewart is excellent in all things.' Which I'm quite sure -- lovely calligraphy, by the way, Tia -- includes her personal behavior." "So what happens now?" "That's just what we're here to discuss. We're faced with a crisis of the first magnitude, which means we go back to first principles. So the question we have to ask ourselves is -- " "'What Would Martha Do?'" "Exactly! And I'll open the floor to suggestions. Cleo?" "How about a phone cozy? You know, like a tea cozy, only for her phone. I sheared my entire alpaca herd the other day, so I had all this hand-spun wool sitting around, and I -- " "It's really delightful, Cleo. But I'm not sure reminding Martha of her phone calls is the best way to cheer her up right now. If you get my drift." "Oh." "But it's a very nice gesture, sweetie. Anyone else? Michelle?" "What if we picketed the TV stations and the newspaper for picking on her? We could carry big birch-bark signs with messages of support in a nice assortment of semi-gloss seasonal colors." "I hardly think picketing is a Martha activity, Michelle. Even in a worthy cause." "Sorry." "Not at all -- falling short of Martha's standards every now and again reminds us just how high those standards are. This is a good thing. Callie?" "We still have to let her know we're with her -- how about a letter we all sign and send to her?" "Like a petition?" "Only nicer. I even brought along some of my special stationery, which -- " "Is that the organically grown papyrus you were telling me about?" "Do you like it? I aged it myself. Pumice stone, extra-fine -- 30 strokes per sheet." "And the ink? That couldn't be -- " "Straight from our squid pond. Once you get the hang of grabbing them, it's really easy." "Which reminds me: I just love what you've done with that backyard of yours! You really have to stop by some time and..." Posted 6/25/02. Decorate
your interior with fresh commentary from syndicated columnist
Rick Horowitz -- won't your neighbors be impressed!
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Rick Horowitz
