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There oughta be a law... Playing the Capital Name GameBy Rick Horowitz
And they say creativity is dead. "Hah!" -- that's what I say. I say creativity is humming along very nicely, thank you. And these days, you can't find any higher-style humming than in Washington, D.C. -- or as I like to think of it, The Wellspring of Democracy Place. I'm talking about names. Names of laws. Names of prospective laws. Once upon a time, you dropped a bill into the legislative hopper and it lumbered through the process with some nice workmanlike title -- H.R. 1237, or S. 217, something like that. Occasionally, to show that the people running the place really cared about a particular bill, they'd give it a prestige tag -- H.R. 1, or S. 1. Sometimes a piece of legislation would become known for its principal sponsors -- Fulbright Scholarships, McCain-Feingold, that sort of thing. And occasionally, a bill would simply become known for what it was about -- the Voting Rights Act, for instance. But most of those were B.C. -- Before Creativity. Things are different now. Now any bill worth the paper it's photocopied on has a name designed to move the public. Which is to say, to move the product. The No Child Left Behind Education Act, for instance. How could anyone possibly be against leaving no child behind? The details? They're just...details! Or the Keeping Children and Families Safe Act, which the president signed into law just the other day. It may be a perfectly good law, but even if it weren't, who's going to run for re-election after voting against keeping children and families safe? Then there's the totally famous USA Patriot Act. Anybody who gets even the slightest bit misty-eyed when the Stars and Stripes come marching past can't help but salute a law called the USA Patriot Act, right? If they'd given it a slightly more accurate name -- if they'd called it, say, the John Ashcroft Doesn't Think You're a Patriot Act, that would be another matter. And then there's my current favorite, courtesy of the always-inventive Tom DeLay, Congress' highest-ranking former exterminator. Seems some of DeLay's fellow Republicans were getting a bit nervous when it was discovered recently that lots of low-income folks had been cut out of the president's latest tax-cut package; they figured they'd better patch things up with a quick fix for the folks at the bottom of the ladder. Tom DeLay wasn't nervous -- he was imaginative! He wasn't going to let any help for poor people go through unless he got lots of extra goodies for the comfortable folks, too. So what did they call this little bit of legislative lemons-into-lemonade? What else? The All American Tax Relief Act! I'll wait while you get rid of your barf bag. Anyway, I'm trying to get into the spirit of the thing. Trying to think like a spinmeister, and put quality names on questionable goods -- including legislation that hasn't even been written yet. For instance: Proposal No. 1: Still another round of huge tax cuts, making the federal deficit even larger and forcing already strapped states and cities to close hospitals and libraries, and to end their school year six weeks early. Should we call it the More Time for Family Togetherness Act? Proposal No. 2: One more concession to the logging industry, allowing the clear-cutting of millions of trees in our national parks and national forests. Sounds awful, doesn't it? But not if we call it the Let the Sunshine In Act. And don't forget... Proposal No. 3: All U.S. citizens living below the poverty line are rounded up, brought to regional detention centers and then slowly lowered into giant vats of boiling oil. You're appalled! No, you're enthralled -- as long as we call it the No More Worries Ever Again Act. Deceptive? Maybe. But don't say you weren't warned. There's a reason they call it an act. Posted 6/26/03. Call
it high-quality satire -- and get it fresh right here twice every week!
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Rick Horowitz
