Benchmarks

We're Getting Safer -- by Degrees

By Rick Horowitz

Some people sleep in on Sundays. I'm not some people. Most Sundays, I'm down in the basement bright and early, pen in hand, note cards on the snack table, ready to dive into the Sunday-morning TV talk shows. I never know what I'll learn.

Actually, most of the time, I do know what I'll learn: the latest version of the party line. (That goes for both parties.) Every now and again, something resembling candor will break out for a moment or two -- then again, they can't invite John McCain and Joe Biden every week. More often, though, it's a tip-toe through the talking points, but I still find it useful. If the Republicans or the Democrats are pushing a new argument, or even a new wrinkle in an old argument, Sunday morning is where I'll catch it first; I look at it as my own early-warning system for blather.

But then there are those special moments when I hear something totally unexpected. Moments like this past Sunday morning, courtesy of Mitch McConnell.

McConnell, from Kentucky, is the second-ranking member of the Republican leadership in the United States Senate; there's nobody any better at calm, unflappable party-line pushing. On "Meet the Press" on Sunday morning, the line was: What a success the U.S. invasion of Iraq has been! McConnell cited signs of progress on the ground, not to mention polls of happy Iraqis glad to be rid of Saddam Hussein and looking forward to running (more or less) their own affairs.

But when the questions came around again, there was this:

Mr. Russert: Senator McConnell, are we safer now?

Sen. McConnell: Absolutely. Let's take a look at the new government in Iraq. We're talking about the old government with Saddam Hussein. The new government, out of 33 ministers, six are women, 17 are PhDs. The Iraqi ambassador [to] the United States, a woman, was in my office the other day. She is extremely optimistic about the future of her country. How in the world could anybody argue that we're not better off now than we were around 9/11 and right after that?

Well.

Let's start at the bottom of McConnell's little list of leading indicators and work our way up, OK? If the senator wants to argue that any day without nearly 3,000 Americans killed is better than a day with nearly 3,000 Americans killed, he'll get no quibble from me. Of course, that's not quite what Tim Russert was asking.

And if the senator wants to report that the Iraqi ambassador is feeling upbeat about her country's future, that's good to know, too. But it doesn't necessarily make Americans any safer, especially if the price of our giving the ambassador reasons for optimism includes turning thousands more young Muslims, in Iraq and elsewhere, into hard-core terrorist recruits.

But then there's the very first part of McConnell's answer. "Let's take a look at the new government in Iraq," he says. "We're talking about the old government with Saddam Hussein. The new government, out of 33 ministers, six are women, 17 are PhDs."

How nice for them.

I know whenever I'm walking down some dark street in some strange town, I always feel so much safer when I see a gang of PhDs coming my way. Or women. Or women PhDs -- those are the best of all! Anything less -- hoodlums, murderers, people with B.A.s -- and I'm a trembling wreck just ripe for the plucking. I'm sure it's the same way in Iraq.

I can't remember how many times I've said it over the years: You know what the problem is with that darned Saddam Hussein regime? Not enough women, and not enough people with advanced degrees!

The road to hell may be paved with good intentions, but I'd completely forgotten that the road to heaven is paved with dissertations. Just ask Mitch McConnell. When it comes to slapping a grade on superpower strategizing, you've got your standard benchmarks, and then you've got your McConnell-metrics. It's enough to make you weak-kneed with relief.

Not to worry. If you hit the floor, there'll be help on the way in no time.

Is there a doctorate in the house?

Posted 6/28/04. Hand over your funny bone to Rick! You'll still feel totally sovereign -- but you'll be smiling.

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker

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