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Bush cleans up Money Talks? Money Shouts!By Rick Horowitz Dear Mr. Politics: What's going on here? I've been running nonstop for president since before the last presidential election, shaking every hand and kissing every baby I can reach. Now this new guy jumps into the Republican race, and in just a couple of months, he's raised more than $36 million -- that's almost twice as much as all the rest of us have raised all year combined! Whatever happened to the early bird catching the worm? L. Alexander Dear Mr. Alexander: Whatever happened to that nice plaid shirt of yours? It's got as much chance of getting elected in 2000 as you do. Dear Mr. Politics: With all the publicity George W. Bush and his fundraising talents have been attracting lately, I just wanted to remind you that I'm in the race, too. In fact, I'm announcing this week that I'll be announcing later this year that I'll definitely be a candidate for president. E. Dole Dear Mrs. Dole: That's nice. Write if you get work. Dear Mr. Politics: As the only Republican person running who has ever had "President" in his political name, I'm sure I'm the frontrunner to be the real President (without the "Vice" this time.) But George W. Bush thinks he should be the frontrunner, just because he's the only person running with "Bush" in his name, who was also a President at the same time. Can you help me? D. Quayle Dear Mr. Quayle: Can anybody? Dear Mr. Politics: I'm writing you to report a total breakdown of our electoral system. Mr. George W. Bush of Texas thinks he can steamroll his way to the White House by spending millions and millions of dollars from special-interest contributors and high-powered Washington lobbyists. That's no way to choose a president. S. Forbes Dear Mr. Forbes: As opposed to billionaires paying their own way, you mean? Dear Mr. Politics: It would be easy to base my presidential campaign on my Senate experience or my record as a war hero, but I won't do that. Instead, I've decided to base my campaign on the need to rescue our political system from the corrupting influence of big money. I think Republican primary voters will really respond to this issue, but a good word from you would certainly help me get some traction. Thanks. J. McCain Dear Mr. McCain: The good word is "noble." The better word is "hopeless." Dear Mr. Politics: Should our political life be about nothing more than raising money and spending money? I don't think so -- I think family values are at the core of what our country is all about. That's why I'm running for president, and that's why I intend to stay in this race to the bitter end, no matter how much money George W. Bush collects. G. Bauer Dear Mr. Bauer: You go, boy! It's not every year we get a candidate who looks like Peter Lorre. Dear Mr. Politics: I've recently come into a very large sum of money, and looking down the road a bit, I'm thinking this might be a good time to start planning ahead so I can hit the ground running. Can you recommend a good interior decorator who could help me renovate the White House? G.W. Bush Dear Mr. Bush: Absolutely! When it comes to planning ahead for moving into the White House, the firm of Romney, Connally & Gramm is the place to call. They can tell you all about hitting the ground, running or otherwise. Dear Mr. Politics: In case you were wondering, I'm not a bit worried about George W. Bush's latest fundraising report. The only reason he raised twice as much money as we did is because he knew he had to, just to be competitive with our campaign. Our numbers are exactly where we want them to be, and now we're really starting to crank up the excitement, too. That "boring Al Gore" stuff is a thing of the past. A. Gore Dear Mr. Gore: I'm sorry -- were you saying something? Posted
7/2/99. Spread the word -- that's what we're
saying!
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