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Choosing his targets This Could Be the Start of Something...By Rick Horowitz
(In a conference room in Nashville...) "...don't have a clue what this is about. Do you?" "All I know is he said he had to meet with us right now. The Veep says 'meet,' we meet. I wonder if -- ah, Mr. Vice President! Good morning!" "And a good morning it is! You all doing fine? I'm doing fine." "You certainly seem pretty chipper, sir -- we're glad to see it." "Well, why wouldn't I be chipper? Newsweek's got us up a point, some of the others have us running neck and neck. I think we're finally getting some traction here, and isn't it about time?" "And that's what you wanted to talk to us about?" "Something like that. I've got a little pop quiz for all of you: Why do you think things started moving our way this week?" "Clinton's been out there making fun of Dubya?" "Nobody called for another investigation of your fundraising?" "Gas prices started coming down?" "Hold it right there! It has to do with gas prices, yes, but it's not just the gas prices. Things started moving our way when I went after Big Oil, didn't they? I started talking about how Big Oil was gouging consumers, and how Bush is in the pocket of Big Oil, and people really responded." "That's great, sir. So now we -- " "But I didn't just go after Big Oil, did I? I've been going after the pharmaceutical companies, too -- this whole thing they're doing with Medicare and the high cost of prescription drugs and all." "Also very effective, sir. So now we -- " "And of course, we've just had our convention people out in California announce that they won't be taking any money from the tobacco companies to help underwrite the thing. Made it clear we've got nothing to say to Big Tobacco, OK?" "Got it. And your point is...?" "It's all about finding the right enemies! When you've got the right enemies, you've already won half the battle! And that's the reason I called this meeting today: to unveil our next target. Ladies and gentlemen..." "A hamburger?" "Not just any hamburger -- a Big Mac!" "A Big Mac?" "'Two all-beef patties, special sauce, let -- '" "We know what a Big Mac is, sir. The question is 'Why?'" "Don't you see? It all fits together: Big Oil, Big Tobacco, Big Drugs, Big Guns -- Big Mac. Are we with the people, or with the power? Do we even know what's in that 'special sauce'?" "But -- " "They raise lots of cattle in Texas, don't they? I'll bet Bush is in cahoots with the beef processors down there. Maybe we can -- " "With all due respect, sir, I'm not sure this one's a winner for us. Those Big Macs poll pretty well in most parts of the country, so I just don't know that you'll get the same bounce with a Big Mac attack, so to speak, as you would with Big Oil, say." "You don't think?" "I think it's a real risk, sir. Going after hamburger doesn't have quite the same populist ring to it, if you get my drift. It could even make you look nasty again, and we certainly don't need any more of that." "Then how about the Big Gulp? If I can't go after the Big Mac, I can go after the Big Gulp, can't I? I mean, why are these beverage companies pushing these gigantic soft drinks at unsuspecting customers? Where's Bush been on that issue, that's what I want to know!" "Sir?" "And after that, let's go after New Orleans -- they call it The Big Easy, don't they? And then maybe the Big Top at some circus. And then..." Posted 7/7/00. For
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Rick Horowitz