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Don't tell him -- let him guess!

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Litmus

By Rick Horowitz

Greetings, and thank you for participating in the Bush administration's Judicial Character Assessment Survey. As you know, a vacancy has occurred on the Supreme Court of the United States; you are one of several people currently under consideration to fill that vacancy.

President Bush has made clear that there will be no litmus test applied to those men and women being considered. Rather than focus on a candidate's position on contentious issues likely to come before the court, the president intends to focus instead on each candidate's "character" and "interests."

Your willingness to participate in this survey will greatly assist the president in that effort.

The Situation: It's a pleasant summer afternoon, and you and your family have taken a trip to a favorite lakeside spot for a picnic. The sun is shining brightly, and there's a lovely breeze to keep everyone comfortable. The sandwiches you've packed are tasty, and everyone is having a wonderful time.

After lunch, several members of your family decide to rent a rowboat and venture across the lake. You notice that the breeze has picked up, and you wonder whether it might be too difficult to make it across the lake safely. Your family members, however, insist that they're capable boatsmen and will have no trouble getting out and back before the breeze gets any stronger.

The Question: If they try to row, do they deserve to be overturned?

a. Absolutely -- no exceptions.

b. Probably -- some exceptions.

c. Not sure.

The Situation: One of your longtime interests is science. When you were a child, you liked nothing better than gazing at the hidden structure of salt crystals or strands of hair under a microscope. Now that you're an adult, your children are happy to continue the tradition. On their most recent trip through the neighborhood, in fact, they've collected a bagful of specimens to examine: a tail feather from a blue jay, a half-dozen acorns, a piece of rose quartz, and the stem of a dandelion. But there's only time enough before bed for them to view three of the items.

The Question: Is there any reason to look at stem cells?

a. Certainly not.

b. Probably not.

c. Need more information.

The Situation: Blue is your favorite color. Most of your clothes are blue. Your car is blue. Even your house is blue -- deep blue on the outside, and pale blue on the inside. As a birthday present, your best friends hire an interior decorator to stop by and recommend some changes. She suggests that you repaint some of the inside walls a different color, or hang brightly colored tapestries on several of the walls. You kind of like things the way they are, and the decorator has promised she won't do a thing without your say-so.

The Question: Is this the time for an affirmative action?

a. No way.

b. Way.

c. Either way.

The Situation: The young couple is deeply in love, and ready to tie the knot. There's just one problem: what to wear to the wedding. The bride has decided not to go the traditional route; instead of a standard skin-tight wedding gown, she favors a loose-fitting but equally flattering sack dress she found in a neighborhood resale store. It turns out the groom's mother has the very same dress in her wardrobe, and has long intended to wear it on her child's special day. The bride is distraught, but the groom's mother is insistent: She wants to wear that dress.

The Question: Do you approve of same-sacks marriages?

a. Bite your tongue!

b. Bite my tongue!

c. Bite her tongue!

Posted 7/7/05. Test your litmus -- and your funny bone -- twice every week right here at "Rick's"!


Send Rick a note!Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

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