Still looking...

Charmer

By Rick Horowitz

It's a quiet little town, and that suits most of us just fine. A day when nothing happens is a good day -- that's the way we look at it here in Quiver City. We figure there's more than enough in the world to be nervous about without anything -- or anyone -- adding to the general apprehension.

Which is why everyone still talks about the time George the Snake Chaser came to call.

Before we ever saw George the Snake Chaser, we saw his signs, which had sprung up like dandelions one night on every telephone pole along Main Street.

"Beware The Snakes!" "Snakes Can Destroy You!" "GET HELP -- NOW!!!"

Well, you can just imagine how we took the news. And that's when we saw him, rolling into town in a spiffy new carriage all done up in stars and stripes and spangly colors. He had a tight little smile and a steely look in his eyes -- we could tell he meant business. And preceding him down the street, banging on drums and tossing red, white and blue confetti in the air, was his "entourage," Donald the Enforcer and Condi the Explainer and the others.

"Friends," he said, when the carriage finally pulled to a stop in front of the mayor's office, "I've come to tell you your children are in danger. There are snakes -- ugly, devious, venomous snakes -- living right in your school basement! And these murderous snakes, with their poisonous fangs, may attack your beloved children at any moment!! Unless -- "

And suddenly Main Street was as quiet as a library.

"Unless you hire us to get rid of those snakes!"

The shouts and the cheers -- why, you'd have thought they were handing out free ice cream sodas down at the apothecary! He was ready to get right to work, he told us, just as soon as we each paid him a small deposit and signed on the dotted line to promise we'd pay him the rest.

"But we've never seen any snakes in our school!" This was Skeptical Bob. He was a crusty old bird -- he wasn't going to let some young stranger rush him into anything. "How do you even know there are any snakes?"

"Oh, there are snakes," said George the Snake Chaser, not a flicker of doubt in his voice.

"We know where they are," Donald the Enforcer chimed in, and that was good enough for the rest of us -- we all pushed toward the carriage, desperate to hand over our money.

Anyway, you've never seen a commotion half of what George the Snake Chaser kicked up when he set in to work. There were tanks and bombs and missiles for weeks on end -- and day and night, down in the basement, the sound of drilling. Those snakes didn't stand a chance.

And then came the day when George the Snake Chaser said his mission was accomplished. We were almost beside ourselves with joy and gratitude when, right in the middle of the celebrating, somebody yelled out, "Show us the snakes!"

George the Snake Chaser was quiet, and then he said, "I can't show you the snakes."

"But you said you knew where they were!" That was meant for Donald the Enforcer, but it was Condi the Explainer who stepped forward to try to calm things down.

"We never said we knew precisely where every snake was," she said. It didn't work.

"Can you show us even one snake?" somebody else shouted, but they couldn't -- not Condi the Explainer, not Donald the Enforcer. Not even George the Snake Chaser himself.

"Maybe we destroyed them all with our tanks and bombs and missiles," he said. "Or maybe somebody here in Quiver City stole all those dead snakes to turn the skins into fancy shoes." (Nobody in Quiver City ever wore fancy shoes.) "Or -- "

"Or maybe," somebody shouted, "there never were any snakes in the first place!"

"Or maybe," George the Snake Chaser shouted right back, and you could see the sweat starting to bead up on his forehead, "maybe the snakes all slithered out of the basement when they heard we were coming! Maybe they went to the cafeteria instead, or the auditorium, or the classrooms. But the important thing is you don't have snakes in your basement anymore -- don't you feel a whole lot safer?"

Skeptical Bob brought the feathers. I brought the tar.

Posted 7/8/03. For independent thought, on Independence Day and all year long, "Rick's" is the place. Spread the word!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker

Search the Web Search Rick's!