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Carpetbags: One size fits all "A Pleasure to Be (Here)"By Rick Horowitz If it works for Mrs. C., it can work for you or me! Introducing the All-Purpose, Fully-Adaptable, Candidate-from-Anywhere-Running-for-Somewhere-Else "Listening Tour" Stump Speech! Follow instructions, and shake well before using. "Good morning, ladies and gentlemen -- I'm so glad to see you all! It's a real pleasure for me to be with you here in (insert name of community) today. They told me that the people of (insert name of county) are some of the warmest, friendliest people you'll meet anywhere, and I know now just how right they were! "I've already spent some wonderful time earlier this morning visiting your (if population exceeds 50,000, insert 'bustling downtown'; below 50,000, insert 'quaint little shops,') and I want you to know, I felt perfectly at home there. And why not? After all, the things that we Americans have in common far outweigh our differences, and I think we should focus on those kinds of things -- love of family, love of country, even love of (insert interesting local geographic feature -- wait for applause)! "I'm sure most of you don't know this, but I've always enjoyed the time I've spent in (insert name of state) over the years. I remember so well my father driving the family (insert vehicle) along these picturesque (if metropolitan area, replace with 'exciting') byways/highways of yours. I've been back here on many occasions since then, of course -- and not just to sample your tasty (insert local food item)!(Wait for laughter and/or applause.) (Note: Check pronunciation of local food item -- e.g., the 'k' in 'knish' is not silent!) "And I'll share another little secret with you: Even though I grew up in (insert name of actual home state), I've always been a secret (insert name of most successful local sports team) fan! That's why it's such a thrill for me to be wearing this wonderful (insert article of sports paraphernalia) today. "Now, I know many of you may be asking yourselves, `Why you? And why here?' Well, let me say first of all that these are perfectly (insert earnest adjective) questions. And I hope that as my 'Listening Tour' continues over these next (insert number) weeks, you'll have a much better sense of who I am and what I believe in. And I hope you'll also understand how I can be a tireless fighter for the issues that all (insert name of state, with '-ers,' '-ites,' '-ans,' as appropriate) really care about. "Which issues in particular? Well, I'm hoping that you'll tell me. That's what my 'Listening Tour' is all about -- to find out exactly what people from (insert town in eastern part of state) to (insert town in western part of state) have on their minds. Could I have gotten the very same information from my pollsters? Perhaps. But I think we'd have lost something important in the process: the chance to (insert homey image) together for a while. "I'd much rather do it this way. I just want to sit here on this (insert piece of furniture) for the next couple of hours, listening to you. I may ask a few questions from time to time, and I'm sure I'll take plenty of notes, but mostly I want to listen. "And then, when you're done telling me exactly which issues are most important to you -- whether it's (insert issue) or (insert other issue) or even (insert other issue) -- I'll be able to stand right here and tell you that (insert same issues as above, in same order) are the issues that matter most to me, too. "And since my list of important issues will be exactly the same as your list of important issues, you'll know that I'm someone who can really represent you effectively in (insert large government building.) "So that's why I'm here, ladies and gentlemen. And before I start today's listening, I can't think of a better way to describe what my visit means to me, and what America means to me, than to quote the wise words of your very own (insert prominent local figure) when he said: (insert quotation from prominent local figure). "Doesn't that sum it up exactly?" Posted
7/9/99. Fresh stuff right here twice
weekly!
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