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Microsoft, being Microsoft That's Quite a BundleBy Rick Horowitz
"A lot of our things are coming to fruition now." -Bill Gates, unrepentant It's quiet. Too quiet. They're still out there. You know they're still out there. It's been weeks since the decision came down from the appeals court: Yes, Microsoft misbehaved -- it's a monopoly, and it acted illegally to stay a monopoly. And no, Microsoft shouldn't be broken up -- not yet, anyway. So have the Microsofties spent the time since the decision came down apologizing for their behavior and vowing to be kinder, gentler neighbors in Geekville? It is to laugh. They've spent the time since the decision came down claiming victory, and doing what they've always done: "Innovating." For you. Get ready for Windows XP and Office XP and .Net and Hailstorm and... All designed to make another part of your life -- shopping, music, address books, calendars -- just a little bit easier. Everything bundled, everything connected to everything else and everything connected -- here's a surprise -- to that happy glade in Redmond, Wash. Of course, those are just the "innovations" we already know about. We can only imagine what other kindnesses Microsoft has in store for us. For instance? Windows PG: Video streaming is too jumpy, DVDs are too bulky. What consumers have been craving is a way to see their favorite movies in a watchable format -- online, anytime. Windows PG will be the answer. Tap into Microsoft's vast database of hit movies past and present, and see the world's greatest films in full 17-inch splendor. (Diagonal.) And you can take advantage of Windows PG's exciting I-Ball technology; as you establish your viewing profile, I-Ball will offer you movies that are specifically selected to meet your needs. You'll never have to scan a movie listing again -- I-Ball knows what you like! Windows BC: Having already acquired the cyber-rights to some of the world's greatest art and most famous photographs, Microsoft now gains control of entire eras! From the Big Bang to the birth of Christ, this forthcoming Windows upgrade will offer scholars and the merely curious a unique opportunity to learn about the distant past. Millions of years of information, at only pennies per transaction. It's positively historic. .Bet: And they're off! Enjoy the excitement of the racetrack with none of the hassle. With .Bet technology, you'll be able to put down a wager on any horse at any track in the world. Don't see anything you like today? No problem -- click into WinWhinny -- the planet's finest stable of cyber-horses pawing the virtual ground and ready to run their digitized hearts out for you! Wager $2, $5, $50 or more at specially designed Betting Windows. Empty wallet? You're still in the race with CashSnatch, Microsoft's fastest access to all your bank accounts and credit cards. Windows PB&J: You know how involved you can get sitting at your computer for hours on end -- sometimes you even forget to eat. But not anymore: Windows PB&J will monitor your nutrient and calorie intake 24/7, and will purchase, prepare and deliver everything from high-energy snacks to gourmet meals right through your nearest expansion slot. And with the upcoming Foodstorm plug-in, you won't even have to chew! And finally, don't forget... .Wed: Finding that perfect someone is such a pain. That's why .Wed will be absolutely huge when it moves from beta-testing to your desktop. Much more than a computer dating service, .Wed eliminates the dating scene altogether and cuts right to the chase: the marriage. By now, Microsoft knows everything there is to know about you -- your favorite songs, your favorite movies, your schedule, your finances, your health, your hopes, your dreams. Who better to pick out your ideal mate and plan the ideal wedding and honeymoon? Watch out, Vowster -- you're toast! Posted 7/10/01. Fresh
stuff right here twice every week! (Unless, of course, Microsoft decides
to crash Rick's computer.)
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Rick Horowitz
