Timetables?

In Iraq, the Sound of a Ticking Clock

By Rick Horowitz

(On a Japanese island, in a presidential suite...)

"Excuse me, sir -- I've got Secretary Rice on your secure line."

"Condi's calling already?"

"She says it's important."

"I'm sure it -- hey, Condi! How's my girl this morning? Any foreign affairs I need to know about?"

"Fine, Mr. President. No, Mr. President. Sorry to bother you this early in the morning, but -- "

"That's OK. I never get any rest at these Gate Summits anyway. They'd talk all night if you -- "

"At these what summits?"

"At these Gate Summits. Just talk, talk, talk until -- "

"It's pronounced 'G-8,' Mr. President. Not 'Gate' -- 'G-8.'"

"I knew that."

"The reason I'm calling, sir -- "

"It was a joke! Don't you like my jokes anymore?"

"It's about Iraq, sir. I just thought you ought to know -- there's been some discussion of timetables."

"Well, there aren't gonna be any timetables! We already said that a hundred times -- no timetables!"

"I understa -- "

"We'll slam 'em! Who was it this time? Obama? Dean? No, I'll bet it was Kerry -- he's such a sore loser! He should just -- "

"It was al-Maliki, sir."

"Al-Maliki?"

"That's right."

"Our al-Maliki?"

"I'm afraid so. He's been visiting the Emirates, and he was talking about the agreements we're negotiating. All the normal boilerplate about 'respecting the full sovereignty of Iraq' and so forth, and -- "

"Boy, is he touchy!"

"Anyway..."

"If it wasn't for us, he wouldn't be running that country!"

"I'm sure he knows that, sir, and I'm sure he's very grateful. The thing is, though, while he was talking about the agreements, he raised the idea of having a timetable. To get the troops out."

"Timetables are terrible! We've been saying that for years!"

"Now, it was probably just domestic politics -- he's got al-Sadr yelling about a timetable, and -- "

"Ignore him! That's what we do! He should just ignore him! Or slam him!"

"But it's a pretty popular position there, sir, especially among the Shiites."

"And they're..."

"The majority, sir. The Shiites are the majority. Al-Maliki and al-Sadr are both Shiites."

"I knew that."

"Anyway, if the Democrats were saying it -- back home, I mean -- we could say they were helping Iraq's enemies and turning their back on the Iraqi people. But that's harder to say when it's their own prime minister."

"You think he's some kind of double agent?"

"I'm sure he's not -- he's on our side. Or we're on his side, I guess."

"Whatever."

"But we'll still have to push back before it gets any momentum. We'll have to say he wasn't talking about a 'hard' timetable, or a 'specific' timetable."

"It wasn't a 'shift.'"

"Exactly."

"I hate it when they 'shift.'"

"Exactly."

"Still has to be 'conditions on the ground.' 'Rely on the commanders.'"

"We'll handle it -- I'll make sure all the spokesmen have it in their next briefings."

"Timetables!"

"Not a big deal. I just wanted you to know."

"Who do these people think they are?"

Posted 7/10/08. Your timetable for clicking to "Rick's"? Whenever you're hungry for award-winning commentary.

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

Search the Web Search Rick's!

©2008 Rick Horowitz. All rights reserved.