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Self-preservation When the Ground Shakes, the Politicians ShimmyBy Rick Horowitz
Down the marbled corridors he strides, and beneath the famous dome. His jaw -- clamped tight with a sense of purpose clear even to the casual observer -- precedes the rest of his head through the building by at least an inch or two. The firmness in his step, as he marches into and out of another brightly lit room, is matched by the steely resolve in his gaze, and his ears still ring with the echoes of his own booming voice. "Enough is enough!" he has thundered yet again. "We will clean house in corporate America, or my name isn't Wally Cipher!!" This would be Congressman Wally T. ("Flip") Cipher, dapper heir to the styling-gel empire and minor spark in the Great Republican Prairie Fire of '94. Congressman Cipher's throat is beginning to ache -- there's only so much thunder a man can produce in a single morning before he starts to sound squeaky -- but he pushes on. Another room. Another soundbite. Fear is a wonderful motivator. Congressman Cipher is running for re-election, and running for his life. The voters back home are worried about the recent flood of corporate scandals -- worried and angry about all the phony numbers and shady deals. They're worried and angry and looking for someone to blame. Congressman Cipher is trying very hard not to be that someone. He never thought it would come to this, scrambling like a beginner to hold onto his seat. It was so much easier when Newt and the gang first took charge of everything, when the Contract With America was the hottest thing going. "It's time to get government off the backs of the American people!" That's what Congressman Cipher used to say in every one of his speeches, every one of his press releases. "It's time to totally deregulate American business!" That seems so long ago. His throat isn't the only thing aching this morning. His right index finger -- the one he's suddenly been using to wag at unnamed Wall Street miscreants -- is swollen; he must have banged it against that microphone harder than he thought. His right wrist is sore, too. He's accustomed to a nice simple thumbs-up; he'd never realized how much muscle action it takes to wag at all that greed. "It's time to get tough!" he's been saying to every camera that will have him, with every bit of outrage he can muster. "Tough on those who are sticking it to the working men and women of America! Tough on those who are jeopardizing the hard-earned retirement of our seniors! Tough on all those who have betrayed our trust and didn't play by the rules!" Not bad. A couple of seconds shorter would probably be better (TV producers are so impatient these days!) -- but not bad. The important thing is to show that he's every bit as ticked off as his constituents are. No -- even more ticked off than his constituents are. Getting out ahead of this parade is the only way to keep from being trampled. If tough talk is what it takes, tough talk is what he'll give them. Not that he actually voted to get tough on "those who..." Technically speaking, he actually voted against all the strongest new penalties and strictest new standards. (He'd managed to leave that bit of information -- "stale news," that's all it was -- out of his latest press releases.) Those votes happened months ago, before WorldCom imploded and the others started admitting to cooking the books themselves. Before people took another look at the president's cozy deals. Congressman Cipher can read the numbers. Stock-market numbers. Poll numbers. Things are getting scary out there, and the voters are already in an ugly mood. If the papers ever start running his old statements, ever start reminding his constituents of where he really stands on things like "corporate responsibility," talking tough might not be enough to save him. Which is why he's been working on an alternate strategy. Now, murmuring to himself as he walks the marbled corridors, beneath the famous dome, he tries it out for the first time. "It was a typo. I said 'reregulate.'" Not bad. Posted 7/16/02. Find
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Rick Horowitz
