Soccer babes: Who's hot, who's not.

The Shirt Off Her Back

By Rick Horowitz

Math Man does the numbers. He doesn't like what he sees.

"Five out of five," he says. "They made five shots out of five."

Image Guy looks up from the TV. He'd rather not be interrupted in the middle of his favorite programs. But he knows how Math Man can be when the numbers get to him.

"So?" says Image Guy.

"Those penalty kicks in the World Cup," Math Man says. "The American women made five shots out of five. So what's all the big deal about what's-her-name?"

"What's-her-name?" Image Guy likes to play dumb sometimes.

"What's-her-name -- the one with the bra."

Image Guy just sighs.

"They play 90 minutes and nobody scores," Math Man continues, like he's reading it off a legal pad. "Then they play 15 minutes of overtime and nobody scores."

"And another 15 minutes after that and nobody scores -- what's your point? If they didn't do the penalty kicks, they'd have been out there forever!"

Math Man tries to stay patient. (With Image Guy, it's not always easy.)

"I'm not complaining about the penalty kicks," he says. "I'm just wondering why what's-her-name gets all the attention for making her kick. She didn't do anything four of her teammates didn't do first."

Now it's Image Guy's turn to be patient. (With Math Man, it's next to impossible.)

"Her kick won the match!" Image Guy explains. "The whole World Cup was riding on that one shot, and she made it! And then she tore off her shirt and she had this great black sports bra on underneath and she started to -- "

"Why?"

"Why? Why what?! Why did she make the shot? Why did she take off her shirt? How the heck do I know why she -- "

"Why was the whole World Cup riding on that one shot?"

"Because the score was tied, you potato! It was U.S. 4, China 4. They'd already missed one of their shots, so if we made our -- "

"Missed?"

"Blocked. One of them took a shot and our goalie blocked it. So if Brandi -- "

The name slips out at last.

"So if Brandi makes that last one, it's all over and we win. Can you imagine all the pressure she must have been under?"

Math Man tries to imagine the pressure. (It must have been a lot of pressure.) Then he asks a question.

"What's the goalie's name?"

"What?"

"The goalie's name. If our goalie doesn't dive all out and block that other shot, Brandi's shot doesn't win the thing. So what's the goalie's name?"

"I don't know -- the black one. I don't remember her name."

"Briana. Briana Scurry. 'The black one' made the play that let the blond one be the hero."

"So?"

"So how come she's not on all the magazine covers? And all the TV stuff? Why is Brandi getting so much attention? Why not Briana?"

"Brandi's got her shirt off, that's why! Anytime a woman has her shirt off -- even if she's not really showing anything -- she gets the attention."

"And that's the only reason?"

"Remember when she did that thing for that magazine where she was only wearing cleats and a soccer ball? Total babe!"

"And that's the only reason?"

"You show skin, you win -- first rule of celebrity."

Math Man considers that for a minute. Then he speaks again.

"I'm thinking it's about skin, too," he says. Image Guy offers up his glossiest smile.

"So we agree."

"Something like that," says Math Man. "Something like that."

Posted 7/16/99. Your friends won't kick -- tell 'em about Rick's!

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