Teamwork -- that's the ticket!

Making Up is Hard to Do

By Rick Horowitz

"Clinton, Gore camps reach truce, agree on campaign roles."

Ripped from the headlines

After due consideration and lengthy negotiation, representatives of William Jefferson Clinton (hereinafter "The President") and Albert Gore, Jr., (hereinafter "The Veep") have reached the following understandings on behalf of their principals with respect to activities concerning the presidential campaign of 2000.

In reaching this agreement, the parties recognize the enormous respect, both personal and professional, that continues to exist between The President and The Veep. Nonetheless, this agreement undertakes to clarify the respective campaign duties and responsibilities of The President and The Veep, in order to ensure a successful outcome (hereinafter "Victory") on Election Day.

Role of The President. 1. The President will endeavor, through his policies and pronouncements, to continue to provide a vibrant economy in a peaceful world. He will refer to the aforementioned economy at every opportunity, and will, whenever possible, assign credit for same to the "Clinton/Gore Administration."

2. The President will, in public and private settings, praise The Veep's campaign positions and policy initiatives, making use on each occasion of no fewer than three (3) of the following phrases:
* "specific";
* "imaginative";
* "exciting";
* "Why didn't I think of that?"

3. The President will persist in poking fun at the presumptive Republican nominee, George W. Bush (hereinafter "W"), and will attempt, between now and Election Day, to produce from same a catastrophic public display of ill temper.

4. The President will raise money in buckets.

Role of The Veep. 1. Everything else.

Public Appearances. 1. In scheduling campaign appearances, The President will concentrate his efforts on Democratic core constituencies, and will endeavor on behalf of The Veep to "rally the faithful."

2. The President will limit his campaign appearances before other audiences, and will endeavor on behalf of The Veep not to "tick off the undecideds."

3. Whenever possible, The President and The Veep will not appear at the same campaign venue, and if forced to do so, The President will make every effort not to overshadow The Veep with his rhetorical or other political skills. If obliged to speak on the same program, The President will follow the lead of The Veep and speak at length from cue cards in an unctuous and/or wooden manner.

Private Comments. 1. The President will refrain from discussing with aides, or calling newspaper reporters to assess, The Veep's campaign efforts or campaign style. Phrases The President may not use in these conversations include, but are not limited to, the following:
* "Albert Bore";
* "Mister Stiffly";
* "White House Yawn Ornament."

2. The Veep will refrain from discussing with aides, or giving further TV interviews to comment upon, matters relating to The President that fall outside the scope of The President's official duties. Phrases The Veep may not use in these conversations include, but are not limited to, the following:
* "Booty Boy";
* "Sleazo";
* "Jack the Zipper."

Overall Posture. 1. The President and The Veep reaffirm the high and lasting regard they have for one another, and their eagerness to work in a cooperative and mutually supportive manner to achieve Victory on Election Day.

2. This agreement may be cancelled by either party on 48 hours notice.

Posted 7/20/99. We can all agree on one thing -- you've got to visit this site again!

Rick Horowitz

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