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Spin city

Keep on the Sunny Side

By Rick Horowitz

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" -- who's standing by in Baghdad with the latest. David?"

"That's right, Matt, and it's been another violent day here in the capital. A car bomb exploded at a market this morning, killing 11 Iraqis and wounding some two dozen more. Also, a school bus carrying approximately 40 Sunnis was hijacked just north of the city this afternoon. The passengers were apparently removed at gunpoint and taken to an unknown location -- their fate is unknown at this hour. In addition -- "


"Let me interrupt you for a second, David. That sound we're hearing from behind you somewhere? Explosions?"

"Small-arms fire, Matt. That's pretty much a constant around here these days."

"Lots of people with lots of ammunition."

"Something like that."

"Anyway, you're OK where you are?"

"Trying to keep safe, of course, Matt, and still trying to do our reporting. Sometimes it's easier than other times."

"I understand. You were saying...?"

"I was saying that Iraqi government officials have now confirmed what has been widely reported in recent weeks: that the Iraqi civilian death toll has climbed to an average of more than 100 a day for the past two months. And there's really no sign of a let-up, Matt."

"And American officials? What are they saying?"

"Well, Matt, they say they won't get into a numbers game, but -- "

"They're not disputing the numbers, are they?"

"No, they're not disputing the numbers -- they'd just rather not talk about them. They say we're not seeing the bigger picture."

"And the bigger picture is...?"

"Birth pangs."

"Excuse me?"

"Birth pangs. Of a new Middle East. They're apparently picking up on Secretary Rice's recent comment about Israel and Lebanon -- how the missiles flying back and forth between Israel and Hezbollah are actually the birth pangs of a new Middle East. I guess they figure if they can use it to describe Lebanon, they can use it to describe Iraq."

"But how -- "

"Pardon me, Matt. They're saying the opposition forces are so desperate not to let this newly elected Iraqi government get up and running that they've resorted to these tactics to try to bring it down."

"And that's a good sign."

"So they say."

"And the militias, David? All those Sunni and Shiite gangs going at one another with shootings and beheadings and the most vicious -- "

"More pangs -- that's what we're hearing, anyway."

"They're not worried that the country is sliding into civil war? Some people back here think it's already there."

"The officials we've spoken to, Matt, insist it's nothing like a civil war."

"Well, there's certainly nothing very 'civil' about it -- not from what we can see."

"If by 'civil,' you mean 'polite' -- certainly not, Matt. Certainly not."

"Birth pangs. So the increase in violence shows that things are going well."

"That's right."

"Then what would a decrease in violence mean?"

"That would also mean that things are going well."

"And violence staying at the current level?"

"That things are going well."

"They don't get out much, do they?"

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Posted 7/25/06. Click to the Rick Channel for the best in political satire! (Have you told your friends?)


Send Rick a note!Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

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