He's still there!

Gonzales, Going Nowhere

By Rick Horowitz

Gonzales isn't leaving -- what a relief!

He could leave, you know; he said so himself. He could just walk away, and he'd be done with it. (And we'd be done with him.)

But no. That would be the easy way. That wouldn't be Alberto Gonzales.

So he's staying.

Was there ever a doubt?

Write it down in your notebook. Tattoo it on your bicep, right next to those other classic Nuggets of Life Advice like "Never play poker with a man named 'Doc'" and "Never eat a meal at a place called 'Mom's.'"

"Never trust a politician who says he could walk away."

As if you needed more reasons not to trust Alberto Gonzales.

There it was, tucked away on page 24 of a 25-page statement the attorney general of the United States sent out ahead of him to the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing room -- a statement overflowing with the Justice Department's many excellent accomplishments during the Gonzales years. (He's got Pollyanna on his speechwriting staff -- who knew?)

Leave aside the fact that the real-world picture is just a bit darker. Leave aside that, as the Washington Post's news pages put it this week, "Most members of Gonzales' senior staff have resigned or are on the way out. Several outside candidates turned down chances to be considered for the job of his deputy, and more than a half-dozen other top positions remain filled by temporary appointees."

It's a ghost ship, run by a ghost crew -- but Gonzales sails on. He has his smirk, and he has his president. What more does any captain need?

Still, reality reared its ugly head for just a moment, there on page 24.

"Politicization of Hiring in the Department" is the title of the particular section, and Gonzales says this:

"I believe very strongly that there is no place for political considerations in the hiring of our career employees or in the administration of justice. As such, the allegations of such activity have been troubling to hear. From my perspective, there are two options available -- "

Never trust a politician who tells you there are two options available. (Sorry -- back to our regularly scheduled bob and weave.)

"From my perspective, there are two options available in light of these allegations. I could walk away or I could devote my time, effort and energy to fix the problems."

Care to guess which way Gonzales is leaning?

"Since I have never been one to quit, I decided that the best course of action was to remain here and fix the problems. That is exactly what I am doing."

What a surprise! Or did you kind of figure it would come out that way?

Of course, this presents a bit of a dilemma for the rest of us, Republicans and Democrats alike, since it's become pretty clear over the course of these past few months, with various memos and e-mails finally coming to light, and with the testimony of former department employees raising even more questions, that GONZALES IS THE PROBLEM!!!

Oh.

So the idea of Gonzales hanging around to fix things is --

Well, it's like your dentist sticking you with all the wrong needles in all the wrong places, and then drilling big holes in your teeth where he shouldn't be drilling holes at all, and then, when at last you're somehow able, through the gauze and the clamps, to tell him he's making a hash of it and he has to stop right this minute, he tells you he intends to keep sticking and drilling until he gets it right.

You've done quite enough damage already, Alberto.

Be one to quit.

Walk away.

Posted 7/25/07. For award-winning commentary, click to "Rick's"!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

Search the Web Search Rick's!

©2007 Rick Horowitz. All rights reserved.