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The GOP does Philly "The Chair Recognizes Dr. Franklin..."By Rick Horowitz Into Philadelphia strides the Grand Oil Party, excitement at fever pitch and hearts aflutter. (Though not, they insist, the heart that's attached to their newly named -- and already besieged -- running mate.) And I ask you: Can you cover a Philadelphia convention without seeking comment from the city's most prominent citizen? Of course you can't. The problem is: Ben Franklin's been dead for centuries. The good news is: He left a lot of his best stuff behind. Let the rest of the press pack circle poor Richard Cheney. We can spend a few profitable minutes interviewing "Poor Richard's Almanack." "Gov. Bush has been ahead in most of the polls for months now -- will a successful convention here in Philadelphia lock things up for him?" "'Tis easy to see, hard to foresee." "What do you think of the Republicans' decision not to devote an entire night to beating up on Al Gore and the Democrats?" "Tart Words make no Friends: a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a Gallon of Vinegar." "Speaking of vinegar, the Republican congressional leaders don't seem to have a very big role at this convention -- is Gov. Bush trying to put a little distance there?" "It is Ill-manners to silence a Fool, and Cruelty to let him go on." "Of course, Gov. Bush isn't exactly the most exciting speaker himself, is he?" "Well done is better than well said." "So you think that his policies and his record will count for more than his rhetoric?" "Promises may get thee friends, but non-performance will turn them into enemies." "Even though he went to Yale and to Harvard, Gov. Bush seems to bend over backward to come across as just an ordinary Joe -- what's that about?" "He's a Fool that cannot conceal his Wisdom." "So you believe he's actually pretty bright?" "There are lazy minds as well as lazy bodies." "Many of the governor's strongest backers seem to be hoping for a return to the days of his father's administration." "There is much difference between imitating a good man, and counterfeiting him." "His supporters also claim that Gov. Bush is determined to turn this into a much more inclusive Republican Party -- how do you see it?" "To-morrow you'll reform, you always cry;/In what far country does this morrow lie,/That 'tis so mighty long ere it arrive?/Beyond the Indies does this morrow live?" "Some Republicans worry that Dick Cheney's impressive resume somehow makes Gov. Bush look less impressive -- does he look smaller to you?" "An empty bag cannot stand upright." "Needless to say, Al Gore is already going after some very conservative votes Dick Cheney cast in Congress back in the '80s -- do you think that his line of attack will be effective?" "Clean your Finger, before you point at my Spots." "So far, at least, Gov. Bush has been quite successful in dismissing Gore's attacks as nothing but old-style, negative 'Washington politics' -- can he keep doing that?" "The wise Man draws more Advantage from his Enemies, than the Fool from his Friends." "Are the Republicans especially vulnerable this year to the charge that they're too cozy with the oil industry?" "He that lieth down with dogs, shall rise up with fleas." "Republicans prefer to say that they're the family-values party. Is there anything to it?" "Mankind are very odd Creatures: One Half censure what they practise, the other half practise what they censure; the rest always say and do as they ought." "Speaking of odd creatures, what do you make of John McCain's latest pledge of support for Bush and Cheney?" "Beware of meat twice boil'd, and an old foe reconcil'd." "And finally, will you be sorry to see everyone leave town when this convention is over?" "Fish and Visitors stink after three days." Posted 7/27/00. There's
nothing smelly about "Rick's" -- find your fresh satire right here all
through the campaign!
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Rick Horowitz