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Serving Him

And He Has a Very Nice Personality

By Rick Horowitz

"What is it about George W. Bush that makes you want to serve him?"

"He looks like he could use the help?"

This, friends, is the wrong answer. The wrong answer, that is, if you were trying to get a job in the Bush administration's so-called Department of Justice while Monica Goodling was guarding the gates.

Monica Goodling: true believer, defender of the faith, sniffer-out of liberals -- and even of less-than-bedrock conservatives. There was the minor matter of the law; she wasn't actually allowed to ask those kinds of questions (or "Who's your most admired Supreme Court justice?" or...) -- not to people who were applying for non-political "career" positions.

But who cares about the law when there's a movement to be advanced? A Bushie network to be built? Fire away!

So here's my question: What would have been a good answer to her question?

No, really! Put yourself in the shoes some perfectly qualified somebody applying for a job at Justice during the reign of Goodling and Sampson and Gonzales. Put yourself in the pinstriped suit of somebody who more than meets all the official qualifications. Somebody who really wants the job. Somebody who knows he or she would do a good job at the job. But somebody who doesn't necessarily have pictures of the 43rd president sitting in some candle-lit mini-shrine in the basement.

"What is it about George W. Bush that makes you want to serve him?"

"He's a man of firm principles."

That could have worked -- assuming there weren't too many follow-up questions. ("Which particular principles? And what do you think of them?")

"He's a loving husband and a very sweet father."

Fine for tone, but kind of irrelevant, don't you think? I mean, Goodling might have been pleased that you noticed what a swell hubby and daddy Dubya is, but she certainly wasn't going to stop there. So you'd have had to do better than that.

And I've been trying to help. Call it dabbling in alternative history, but I've been trying to come up with an assortment of answers that -- depending on your tolerance for ever-so-slightly-ambiguous phrasing -- might have passed muster with Monica.

Here's what I've come up with so far:

* "He makes you feel proud to be an American."

* "He's working as hard as he can to keep the country safe."

* "I just love the way he says 'nucular.'"

* "He and Cheney have a really strong relationship."

* "He knows exactly what to do about budget deficits."

* "He looks terrific in a flight suit."

* "Most presidents would have their hands full with just one war!"

* "He's never gets psyched out about global warming."

* "He doesn't pay attention to the polls."

* "That little snorty sound he does at press conferences."

But I'm open to suggestions.

Posted 8/1/08. What is it about Rick that makes him want to serve you? Who cares? Take advantage of the laughs!