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The doctor won't see you now They Should Keep These Rights in Their SightsBy Rick Horowitz Hey, don't get me wrong -- I'm all for a patients' bill of rights, and the stronger, the better. I figure it's hard enough being sick or injured, or worried sick that you might be sick or injured; the last thing you need is your own HMO handling you like you're carrying the dreaded lower-profit-margin virus. So yes, absolutely, we need a good piece of law: the right to emergency care, the right to see specialists, access to clinical trials, that sort of thing. And we may even get a good piece of law, assuming the lawmaking classes -- the House, the Senate, the White House -- can finally agree on the hardly-trivial issues of who can sue whom, and where, and how, and for how much. (Of course, this will be after they've argued themselves red in the face about who sold out whom, and when, and why, and for how much.) Here's the thing, though: This particular patients' bill of rights -- whatever version makes it through the process -- only does part of the job. Sure, it's got some of the big things covered, but what about the other things? What about the things that make patients want to perform a sudden -ectomy or two themselves? What we really need, ladies and gents, is a Patients' Bill of Other Rights. For instance: * Every patient shall have the right to an appointment that begins when it's supposed to begin. The current practice of "double booking" is strictly prohibited, until such time as Congress approves, and the medical community successfully achieves, the cloning of doctors. * Any patient kept waiting for more than fifteen (15) minutes for the start of an appointment shall have the right to bill the medical facility in question for the reasonable value of that patient's time. Every patient shall have the further right never to hear again, from any medical receptionist or other employee of said medical facility, the phrase "The doctor's running a little behind." * In further assurance of the principles of patient comfort and convenience established above, every patient shall have the right of access to current magazines in the waiting room. Any medical facility found to have more than fifty (50) percent of its waiting-room magazines more than six (6) months old shall be subject to treble damages for excessive boredom and mental cruelty. * Every patient shall have the right not to be addressed by his or her first name by doctors or other medical employees, particularly when the employee in question is young enough to be said patient's grandchild. * The use of the term "we" -- as used in the formulation "So, how are we feeling this morning?" -- is forbidden, unless uttered by an employee of a medical facility who is currently under treatment for the identical condition as said patient. * Every patient shall have the right to a stethoscope kept at room temperature. * Every patient shall have the right to an examination gown that covers said patient's entire torso, including rear portions, no matter how large. To achieve this goal, medical insurers are directed to review and, if necessary, amend current "Medigap" policies. * Every female patient shall have to right to refuse to engage in doctor-initiated "small talk" while said patient's feet are mounted in stirrups. * Every male patient shall have a right to refuse to engage in doctor-initiated "small talk" while said patient is bent over an examining table and said doctor is putting lubricant on a rubber glove. * Every patient shall have the right to insist that, upon completion of any medical examination or other medical procedure, the presiding doctor sit still for sixty (60) seconds to allow said patient to remember the question he or she intended to ask said doctor, and thereby eliminate the need to chase said doctor down the hall the moment said doctor leaves the room. * We're not kidding about the gown. Posted 8/2/01. Get
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Rick Horowitz
