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Irresistible impulse The Boy Can't Help ItBy Rick Horowitz
"Hey, Doc, thanks for seeing me on such short notice." "That's OK." "No, really -- I know a lot of you guys like to take off for August, and I didn't even have an appointment." "It's fine -- I had to be in the office for a few hours today anyway. So tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "Well, Doc, it's like -- I don't even know how to describe it. I watch a lot of TV, right? All sorts of stuff, but particularly the news. I've always got the set on, even while I'm working." "So you're not getting your work done?" "No, that's not it. It's not the work -- it's how I feel while I'm watching. Watching the news, I mean. And it -- it has to do with one particular person, whenever he's on, how I feel."
"Very often -- especially lately. Every time I turn around, he's on again. There's just no avoiding him, and I -- " "Do you want to tell me the gentleman's name?" "His name?" "Only if you want to." "His name is...Alberto Gonzales." "The attorney general?" "You know him?" "No. Well, I mean I know of him, of course. He's the -- so Alberto Gonzales is the object of these feelings of yours?" "More than feelings, Doc -- I'd say urges. Every time I see him." "I see. And how would you describe these...'urges'?" "I want to slap him silly." "You want to -- " "Absolutely! Every time." "Well, that's certainly -- have you had feelings like this before? With other government officials?" "Never. I mean, I've got politicians I like and politicians I can't stand, same as everyone. But wanting to give him a good whack in the kisser? Nobody else. He's the one." "Go on." "It's like -- you see him on TV, answering questions from Congress, only he's never actually answering the questions! It's always a little of this, and a little of that, and this part's hypothetical and that part's some other reason he can't talk about it. They never get a thing out of him." "So you find yourself getting frustrated." "It's like talking to Jell-O! But that's not even the worst of it. The worst of it is his smile. The guy is constantly smiling! No matter what he's saying, he's got this little smile on his face like it's some private joke, like -- " "Like he thinks he's putting one over on everybody." "Exactly! Maybe it's the muscles in his face, I don't know -- maybe his mouth has to go that way." "I'm sure he could control it he wanted to." "You think?" "I'll bet he doesn't even want to control it." "It drives me crazy!" "And all those long pauses? Like he's trying to figure out how much he can get away with?" "You notice that, too?" "Notice it?! I can't stand it! I keep screaming, 'Answer the question, you little - '" "Me, too! And I start throwing stuff!" "I almost kicked in the screen one time!" "Me, too! I just -- " "Well." "Well." "You sound perfectly normal to me." Posted 8/3/06. Give
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Rick Horowitz
