They distort? You decide.

At a Loss for Words

By Rick Horowitz

"Witty and wise" has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Although there's certainly something to be said for "clever and incisive." And I wouldn't want to rule out "incredibly creative and laugh-out-loud funny."

You can call it boasting if you want to. I prefer to think of it as business sense. I want some words that are all my own; it doesn't matter if they're accurate or not.

After all, if it works for Fox News, it can work for me. Or how about...?

You've probably heard by now: Fox News is in a snit. (No, that's not descriptive enough; Fox News is always in a snit.)

You've probably heard by now: Fox News is in a lawsuit. And not "in" a lawsuit as in, "Omigod, we're being sued!" Fox News is "in" a lawsuit as in, "Hey, why don't we sue this guy?"

The guy in question being Al Franken, political satirist, best-selling author, liberal gadfly -- and the sworn enemy of the sort of people who swear by Fox News. Back in 1996, for instance, Franken wrote a book called "Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot." Now it's 2003, and Franken has a new one on the way, scheduled to hit the shelves in September. This one's called, pleasantly enough, "Lies, and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right."

Who says you can't judge a book by its cover?

So you're thinking this might not be a subtle volume. You're thinking it won't exactly be bedtime reading in Bush World. Check, and double-check.

You might even have predicted that somebody or somebodies might get their feelings bruised, the poor lambs, or even get completely bent out of shape by this heartless and totally unprovoked assault on the enfeebled (if you put aside the White House, the Congress, the Supreme Court, 98 percent of talk radio...) forces of conservatism. Nobody enjoys being called a "liar," and a "lying liar" is the very worst kind!

So if Fox News had sued Al Franken over that kind of thing, you wouldn't be all that surprised. You might think that it was pointless -- suing a satirist for satirizing, I mean -- and that it makes them look ridiculously petty, but it wouldn't shock you.

But that's not what Fox News is suing Al Franken about -- not the "Lies," or even the "Lying Liars Who Tell Them." Nosiree. Fox News is suing Al Franken about "Fair and Balanced."

!

Bizarre but true: Fox News claims that Al Franken, by using the words "Fair and Balanced" in his book title, has...infringed. Fox somehow managed in 1998 to register those very words -- actually "Fair & Balanced" -- as a service mark with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. And now Fox insists that Franken's use of those same words, in that same order, would "blur and tarnish" Fox's "signature slogan." (Never mind that normal, descriptive words aren't generally trademark-able. Never mind that calling Fox News "Fair & Balanced" is about as good a description as calling Tom DeLay "Warm & Cuddly.")

Anyway. Fox's legal papers claim that Franken is "neither a journalist nor a television news personality." They say he's "not a well-respected voice in American politics," but "appears to be shrill and unstable." They say his views "lack any serious depth or insight." And in case you're thinking that deep down they really like him, they also call him a "parasite."

Did I mention that Franken's book is flying up the charts? Before the lawsuit splashed into view at the start of the week, the book ranked No. 489 in sales on Amazon.com. As I write this on Thursday morning, it's perched -- where else? -- at No. 1.

What's the lesson here? Well, owning little chunks of the English language is one way to grow the business. But getting sued by some right-wing behemoth might be even better.

So I'm changing my name to Ann Coulter.

Posted 8/14/03. For a clearer view, click to "Rick's" twice every week! You'll be so glad you did.

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker

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