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Translating the Democrats Words to Run ByBy Rick Horowitz
I get paid to watch this stuff. You don't. So it's entirely possible you didn't feel quite as compelled as I did to sit through hour after hour of political rhetoric galumphing out of a certain recent gathering in Los Angeles. In which case, you might not know everything the Democrats are saying about the issues that really matter in this election. That's OK; I'm willing to share. So here's a little glossary, a voters' guide to the very latest in Democratic electoral terminology. For instance: Back -- The place nobody wants to go. The place Republican candidates and Republican policies are determined to take us if they get their hands on the White House again. If there's one thing Democrats won't stand for, it's "going back." Forward -- A far, far better place to go. The Democrats want to go "forward." Sometimes they even want to go "forward into the future," which is certainly easier than going "forward into the past," even if the past were someplace worth going, which, since it would require going "back" (see above), it's not. Forty years ago -- The one "back" the Democrats are willing to go, at least in nostalgia. Forty years ago in Los Angeles, the Democrats chose John F. Kennedy as their presidential nominee. Every Democratic nominee since then has been a true and rightful heir to JFK's legacy. Sometimes, it's a stretch. (See Gore, Albert.) First -- Where Democrats put people. Also, where Democrats put children. Also, where Democrats put working families. It can get crowded at the top. (Note: Tiebreaker procedures have not yet been announced.) Working families -- What this election is all about. Democratic candidates and policies are all committed to preserving, protecting and promoting America's "working families." Single people -- What this election is not all about, apparently -- except for courageous single mothers overcoming obstacles. The prosperity -- What Democrats will keep going and Republicans will squander. A miracle -- The selection of Joe Lieberman as the Democrats' vice-presidential nominee, breaking down another wall of bigotry. (See Forty years ago.) Also, the likelihood that Bill Clinton will keep a low profile between now and Election Day. Monica Lewinsky -- Who? Behind -- Where Democrats, the same as Republicans, will leave no child, including, of course, the children of courageous single mothers overcoming obstacles. Also, where Al Gore has been in every opinion poll for the past six months. Also, the part of George W. Bush that Al Gore would most like to kick. Elevate -- What Al Gore has pledged (despite the feelings described above) to do to the tone of the presidential campaign. Negative personal attacks -- What Al Gore has promised not to engage in during the rest of the campaign. Comparing the candidates' positions -- Something else again. (Ask Bradley, Bill.) The many -- The people Al Gore represents (notwithstanding every opinion poll for the past six months). The powerful few -- The people George W. Bush represents (ditto). (See also The special interests.) Decent -- The kind of man Al Gore is. (See also Good and decent.) A crucial piece of information for voters who came away from the Republican convention thinking that George W. Bush was the only appealing human being running for president. Specifically, the kind of man who would make toast for his daughters' breakfast, demonstrating the very qualities of character and commitment that are essential to serving as President of the United States. Toast -- Al Gore, if he doesn't do something soon. Posted 8/17/00. The
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Rick Horowitz