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If Iowa can, anyone can. Just Call Him "Straw Man"By Rick Horowitz Let's see now: The Bush people are sniping at the Forbes people, who are sniping right back. The Dole people are breathing again, and the Bauer people are grinning ear to ear. The Quayle people are jumping ship, and the Alexander people -- There aren't any Alexander people anymore. And all of it -- the sniping and breathing and grinning and jumping -- all of it because a few thousand Iowans had nothing better to do on a summer afternoon than hop a free bus, eat plenty of free food and cast a perfectly meaningless ballot for the glad-handing candidate of their choice. It should have been perfectly meaningless, anyway. The math was tiny. But the aftermath... Well, two can play that game. How does "Rick's Straw Poll" grab you? It makes perfect sense to me. I mean, if the Iowa Republican Party can throw a shindig, I can throw a shindig. If the Iowa Republican Party can offer all those White House wannabes an early test of their vote-grabbing prowess, so can I. If the Iowa Republican Party can squeeze hundreds of thousands of dollars out of desperate politicians -- I'm just doing my patriotic duty. (And what's more patriotic than looking for a piece of the action?) After all, there's almost nothing on the presidential-election calendar between now and next winter, no One Big Thing to wreak havoc on candidates' schedules and psyches, no Looming Event to satisfy the media's constant cravings. Rick's Straw Poll can fill the void. Besides, you've seen these folks in action -- the candidates and their chroniclers. Would you rather have them randomly roaming the country for the next few months? Or would you rather have them concentrating their efforts in one place, where you can keep an eye on them? I thought so. And I'm willing to supply the place. For a fee. My place isn't as big as Iowa's place was; I realize that. They had a university campus. I've got your basic Wisconsin bungalow -- two floors and a basement, a back yard, a front lawn. Big enough. If the straw poll in Ames proved anything, it's that size has absolutely nothing to do with impact. I'm just taking the concept to the next level. Iowa, the experts said, was at least a test of the candidates' organizing skills. It takes certain talents, they insisted, to load people onto vehicles all across the state, deliver them to a certain place at a certain time, keep them fed and entertained and get them safely back home when it's all over. These are exactly the kinds of traits you're looking for in a presidential candidate, they said. (Or in a tour-bus operator, for that matter, but never mind.) Rick's Straw Poll will let the candidates show off some other skills. Persistence. Determination. Sharp elbows. Generous spirits. Especially generous spirits. In Ames, some of the candidates paid big bucks to rent prime real estate for their campaign tents. I don't have that kind of acreage. No problem. If it's high demand and low supply, the price of those tents goes...? Exactly. Right through the roof. So the question is: Which campaign is willing to pay whatever it takes to get its message out? That's not the only question, of course. There's the all-important straw vote itself. Our living room won't hold more than a dozen people, tops -- 15 if we move the couch out and bring in some extra folding chairs. In Ames, the campaigns paid $25 a ticket for their supporters to attend. With the limited seating I've got -- supply and demand again -- I might have to raise that price just a tad. And why not? If 10 votes make a landslide, who can say what any individual seat is worth? (Hint: I can.) So the question is: Which campaign wants it badly enough to pay whatever it takes to win? America is waiting breathlessly for the answers to these and other vital questions I haven't even thought of yet. But I will, I promise you. There's way too much at stake for me to miss the chance to do my part for the Republicans' democratic process. Rick's Straw Poll -- we're talking puny, but we're talking pivotal. Posted 8/20/99. We're
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Rick Horowitz