Mine! All mine!!

Powerball: That Winning Attitude

By Rick Horowitz

Powerball minus 15 hours: Glance at morning papers -- people lined up in 21 states and District of Columbia trying to hit jackpot with winning Powerball ticket. Laugh at absurdity, futility of it all -- total waste of money, better chance of sprouting wings and tail.

Powerball minus 10 hours: Revisit position re absurdity, futility. Odds remain ridiculous, but quick review of household finances suggests additional $200 million could be useful.

Powerball minus 9 hours: Decide small investment is warranted, evaluate potential venues for ticket purchase. Gas station across street is closest. Gas station two blocks away recently sold $250,000 ticket in other lottery. Pocket change compared to current prize, but better to go with proven winner.

Powerball minus 8 hours: Purchase five Powerball tickets at gas station two blocks away. Consider picking own numbers using birthdays, anniversaries, NASDAQ index, signs of zodiac. Opt for random numbers instead -- avoids recriminations if loser. If winner, sets up clever interview remark re "I've always loved computers."

Powerball minus 7 hours: Re-evaluate status of Powerball slip in wallet. Chance of robbery, first-in-lifetime encounter with pickpocket -- remote. (Ironic aspects strong, but irrelevant.) Chance of slip falling out of wallet during late-afternoon snack-purchase frenzy -- plausible. Move slip from billfold to family-photo portion of wallet, resist urge to show family photos.

Powerball minus 6 hours: Ponder disclosure strategy with winning ticket -- immediate claim versus "milk the drama." Latter permits family to gather, have quiet moments before publicity explosion. (All attend press conference?) Requires rental of safe-deposit box -- worthwhile precaution.

Powerball minus 5 hours: Weigh relative merits -- 25 annual payments of $8 million each, lump-sum payment of $112 million. (Before taxes.) Recognize need for professional financial advice on handling winnings -- diversified portfolio, charitable foundations, etc. Remember that former classmate works for one of Big-However-Many-There-Are-Now accounting firms. (Too late to call tonight -- call first thing in morning.)

Powerball minus 4 hours: Consider staying in same house, same car, same job. (Check calendar re appointment to have head examined.) Choose favorite exotic travel destinations.

Powerball minus 3 hours: Share news of ticket purchase with spouse. Spouse points out that in "marital property" state, she gets half of everything. Tell spouse of old friend's frequent comment that winning lottery wouldn't change him slightest bit: "I'd be the same person I've always been -- only single and in Hawaii." Make vow with spouse that love is everlasting. (Spouse's exact words: "I'll hunt you down like a dog.")

Powerball minus 2 hours: Make list of real friends.

Powerball minus 1 hour: Reconsider position on estate tax.

Powerball minus 1 minute: Put numbers on lap, turn up TV volume, cross all fingers, toes.

Powerball plus 10 seconds: Loser.

Powerball plus 8 hours: So is everyone else. Morning papers say next jackpot could reach $280 million. Laugh at absurdity, futility of it all -- total waste of money, better chance of sprouting wings and tail.

Powerball plus 12 hours: Try other gas station?

Posted 8/23/01. You're always a winner when you come to "Rick's" -- cash in on laughs (and more) twice every week!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker

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©2001 Rick Horowitz. All rights reserved.