Reports, Retorts, Distortions, Contortions...

By Rick Horowitz

Remember when Rummy was hot?

His soldiers and sailors and pilots were sticking it to Iraq, and he was loving it. The take-charge guy was taking charge. His daily briefings were must-see TV. He was jaunty. He was breezy. He was sexy.

A sexy secretary of defense? Who'd have imagined it? But that's what all the magazines said.

Rummy was on top of the world. Rummy was in control.

Except, of course, for the sticky parts.

No longer on the menu at the White House mess: "A few bad apples."

When the over-the-top interrogation tactics from Afghanistan and Guantanamo Bay somehow "migrated" to Abu Ghraib, did they have to go through security? Did anyone notice the electrodes?

This isn't a typo: It's the year 2040, and there's a presidential campaign going on. One of the candidates -- we'll call him "Jones" -- first came to prominence decades ago, as a young soldier, when he blew the whistle on the abuse of Iraqi prisoners. The subsequent investigations vaulted him into the limelight, and eventually into a career of public service.

Now Jones is running for president against "Smith," and suddenly, angry anti-Jones messages are popping up on videocells all across the country. It's the Prison Guard Veterans for Truth, and they're so mad they can't see straight.

"Jones is a liar!" they scream. "He said we abused Iraqi prisoners! We never abused Iraqi prisoners!"

Jones never said they all abused Iraqi prisoners. He said Iraqi prisoners were abused. This is a fact. An old fact -- it's now 2040, after all -- but a fact nonetheless.

"Jones is a liar!"

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Smith just smiles. Smith's friends write the veterans another check.

You're walking down the street, and you see two guys you know -- they're stealing another guy's groceries. You could call out to them and tell them to stop; they'd listen to you. But you've never liked this other guy, and besides, maybe you can get dinner out of it.

If anyone asks, you can say there was no "coordination."

Sometimes it's not about legality, it's about morality.

"Not every one of these people can be Republican liars. There's got to be some truth to the charges."

Bob Dole, last week, on CNN.

"Stop lying about my record!"

Bob Dole, running for president in 1988, to George H.W. Bush.

Remember when Rummy was the Great Tactician? When Rummy's lean, mean fighting machine was the future of combat, and the future was now? All the president had to do was listen to Rummy -- and to Cheney and Wolfie and Condi and --

No need to worry. No need to adjust. More troops? Who needs 'em? More prison guards? Who needs 'em? More interrogators? Who needs 'em? More interpreters? Who needs 'em?

Everything is under control.

If this bunch had spent half as much time planning how to rebuild Iraq as they did planning how to tear down John Kerry, we'd all be a whole lot safer.

Posted 8/26/04. Rick pulls it all together twice every week -- tell the neighbors!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

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