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Learning his lessons Picking and Choosing (Or, The Leader of the Free World Goes Shopping)By Rick Horowitz "Mr. President! What a pleasant surprise! My salesmen told me you were -- I didn't really -- anyway, welcome to Lessons R Us! We're so honored to have you here!" "Good to be here. Nice store you've got -- I've already been lookin' around a bit." "Again, my apologies. Perhaps if your office had called ahead, I could have arranged to -- " "No problem. I still know how to shop for myself." "Oh, I'm sure you do! I certainly didn't mean to -- " "In fact, I already found what I want -- it's over in your War section." "Well, we've got quite an extensive selection of War lessons, if I do say so myself. What's caught your fancy?" "It's that Vietnam one you've got over in the corner there: 'We Left, and People Died.' It'll be perfect for some speeches I've got comin' up. You know, on Iraq and stuff."
"Of course! Now, I think the actual wording on that one is a little more complicated than that. In fact, if I -- " "Whatever. 'We Left, and People Died' -- that's the part I remember. That's the one I want." "Excellent, Mr. President. Give me just a minute, and I'll get them wrapped for you." "What do you mean, 'them'?" "Well, it's part of a set. 'Lessons of Vietnam,' I think it's called. They come in a very nice gift box, and -- " "I'm not lookin' for a set." "I understand. But I'm afraid that's how they're sold, as a complete package. You've got your 'Steer Clear of Quagmires' lesson, your 'Insurgencies Can Last for Decades' lesson, your 'Body Counts Are Irrelevant,' your -- " "That's ridiculous." "What is?" "'Body Counts Are Irrelevant.' I never heard of such a thing." "Well -- " "We're talkin' body counts all the time now -- it's how we know we're makin' progress!" "Well, then you might even find the full set of lessons...instructive. Let's see, there's also -- I'm trying to remember them all -- there's 'You Can't Win Hearts and Minds with Guns.' There's 'Lose the People, Lose the War,' of course." "Not interested." "Then there's 'You Need Plenty of Boots on the Ground,' 'Speed and Stealth Matter More Than Size,' 'The Harder You Fight, the More Enemies You Make,' 'The -- '" "That's plain silly! I mean, some of those things flat-out contradict one another! How're you supposed to keep 'em all straight?" "I'm sure it's not easy, Mr. President. But I guess that's the -- " "Besides, they don't fit in my speeches. I'm sayin' we have to stay in Iraq or disaster happens -- that's the lesson of Vietnam! All these other ones, they'll just confuse people!" "Well -- " "Look, I want the lesson I want. Are you gonna sell it to me or not?" "I wish I could, Mr. President. But you can't just pick and choose. You -- " "Fine! Whatever. I'll buy the whole set." "An excellent choice! I'm sure you'll be -- " "But the others go straight to the trash." "If you say so." "Of course I say so! And I'm the president, so whatever I say goes." "As you wish." "Exactly! As I wish." "Could I interest you in something from our Cluelessness department?" Posted 8/26/07. To
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Rick Horowitz
