Getting Out of a Hole

By Rick Horowitz

"I've got a question for you," says Bunk. They're sitting in the park, throwing peanuts at the ducks.

"Of course you do," says Debunk. They're the best of friends, but that doesn't keep them from arguing about this or that. Or even this and that. "What is it this time?"

"It's a perfectly simple question."

"I'm sure. So?"

"So which does John Kerry change more often, his underwear or his position on Iraq?"

Bunk is grinning ear to ear; he really got him with that one! They're the best of friends, but that doesn't keep Bunk from trying to stick it to him (and to John Kerry) whenever he gets the chance. This week, he figures, he should have plenty of chances. The latest poll numbers are all moving in the right direction -- which is to say, in President Bush's direction. For the moment, at least, the Kerry people look rattled.

Bunk is happy to seize the moment.

"No, really -- does your guy have a new position every day? And twice on holidays?"

"Very funny." He recalibrates his peanut tosses, bounces one off Bunk's forehead. "Very funny."

Maybe it was the Republican convention, all that testosterone on parade. But there's no doubt about it: Lately, when the two of them argue about politics -- which is only always -- Bunk's been even more assertive than he usually is.

"And besides" -- this is Bunk again, pressing his advantage -- "he voted to give Bush the authority, so where does he come off criticizing the man?"

"You're absolutely right," says Debunk. "He did vote to give Bush the authority."

"See?" says Bunk. "You agree with me! Now, was that so -- "

"Do you have a kid?"

Bunk doesn't have a kid. Debunk knows perfectly well that Bunk doesn't have a kid.

"Why?"

"Say you have a kid -- a teenaged kid. Say he wants to use the car."

"Over my dead body! That kid's gonna be 35 before I let him anywhere near -- "

"Just say." (It doesn't take much to get Bunk excited.)

"Fine. Say."

"Your kid wants to use the car, and you let him use the car. You give him the keys."

"So?"

"Does that mean you're fine with it if he runs a few stop signs?"

"Of course not!"

"Of course not. Are you fine with it if he drives over some of the neighbors' lawns?"

"Are you kidding me?! I'll ground his butt so fast he won't know what -- "

"But you gave him permission to use the car, didn't you?"

"Sure, but not to -- "

"You gave him the authority. So where do you come off criticizing him?"

Now it's Debunk who's grinning.

"That's different," says Bunk. Bunk knows it's different, though he's having trouble explaining precisely how. He just knows Iraq is different from lawns and stop signs. "Anyway, Kerry doesn't even have a plan to get us out of there. You can't just cut and run, you know -- the place is crawling with terrorists."

"It certainly is now."

"And if you say ahead of time when you're leaving, you play right into their hands. They'll just wait you out."

"More than likely."

"See?" says Bunk. (He's back in the game.) "It's not so simple all of a sudden, is it? If Kerry's so smart, let's hear how he can do any better!"

"You're right," says Debunk.

"I am?" That's the last thing Bunk expected to hear.

"Kerry doesn't have an easy answer. Nobody does."

"Exactly!"

"So basically, you're saying George Bush got us into such a mess over there that nobody, not even John Kerry, can dig us out without big problems."

"That's not what I -- "

"And that's a reason to re-elect him?!"

Bunk is out of peanuts.

Posted 9/7/04. Trying to keep up with the campaign trail's latest twists and turns? Just click to "Rick's"!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

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