They'll Do It Every Time

By Rick Horowitz

"OK, class -- let's settle down, shall we? Let's settle down. I'd like to -- "

"Excuse me? Professor?"

"And the questions begin. Tom?"

"Will this be on the final?"

"Well, Tom, you may have noticed I haven't actually said anything yet."

"Yeah, but you're gonna start soon, and I want to know how hard I'm supposed to listen."

"Very efficient! After all, Tom, you certainly wouldn't want to waste any effort listening to something I say simply because it might be interesting. Or enlightening. Or useful. Or -- "

"Isn't this still Poli Sci 202?"

"Touche! Mr. Sheehan 1, Poor Professor 0. Demonstrating once again, class, that danger lurks even in the most...unexpected places. Which is actually -- thank you, Tom -- a perfect introduction to this morning's topic. You've all noticed, I'm sure, that negotiators for Mr. Bush and Mr. Kerry have agreed at last on a series of presidential 'debates,' plus one for Mr. Cheney and Mr. Edwards. They're scheduled to -- "

"Bush caved."

"Pardon me? Maura?"

"He caved. He only wanted two debates, and he had to agree to three."

"And one's a town meeting! He has to answer questions from a real audience!"

"He has to try!"

"Very good, class -- you have been paying attention! It's comforting to know the university's investment in cable television has begun to bear fruit. Now, Maura, back to you -- this is a bad thing for Bush?"

"Totally. Kerry said right away that he wanted as many debates as possible, at least three. So it looked like Bush was trying to duck him? So there was all this pressure on him not to look like he was running away? So he had to say yes."

"Interesting. Courage points for Mr. Kerry, then? He took a bold stand, and he prevailed?"

"No way! Kerry got hosed."

"Mr. Newley speaks. Mr. Newley?"

"They played right into Bush's hands, same as they always do."

"But Mr. Newley, surely you agree that Mr. Kerry got the number of debates he wanted, not to mention the formats he wanted. While Mr. Bush looked, shall we say, 'hesitant to engage'?"

"That's exactly how they wanted him to look! Like Kerry's the class brain or something, which nobody likes to begin with, and trying to suck up to the teacher -- you know, 'Can we have a quiz every Friday?' -- and poor little George can't possibly keep up. So then -- "

"Lowered expectations."

"Severely! All he has to do -- it's just like last time, with Gore -- all he has to do is sound halfway intelligent and everybody's like, 'Boy, he really did well! He won!'"

"And the town-hall format for the second debate? That's not Bush's strong suit, is it?"

"Doesn't matter. He'll give the answers he wants to give -- it doesn't matter what the questions are. The main thing is he looks friendly. Kerry just looks like...Kerry."

"And that's a bad thing? Ms. Brenner?"

"I don't see why he -- "

"But that's not the best part! The commission wanted the first one to be the economy."

"Apparently Mr. Newley has some additional thoughts. Again, please, Mr. Newley?"

"The debate commission or whatever, they wanted the first debate -- which is always the most important one, the one everybody watches -- to be about the economy. But now it's the other way around -- foreign policy and homeland security in the first one, the economy in the last one. I'll bet Kerry's people agreed to it just so they could get a third debate."

"Which you say Bush's people were perfectly willing to have all along?"

"Exactly! It's like that guy, you know, 'Don't throw me in that briar patch!' When he really wants to go in the briar patch?"

"Mr. Newley! You continue to amaze me!"

"It was on the Disney Channel."

"Of course. Do go on."

"So anyway, now Bush gets to talk about terrorism first, where he's way ahead. And he gets the town meeting, where people always like him. And he makes it look like he was dragged into doing a third one, which means nobody expects anything, so he gets credit for that, too!"

"I see. And Kerry gets...?"

"Played."

Posted 9/23/04. Rick scopes out the latest plays and ploys twice every week! (Have you told the neighbors?)

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

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