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Hillary, Everywhere

By Rick Horowitz

[Just a typical Sunday morning, and in homes all across this great big land of ours...]

"Honey? There's something wrong with the set."

"Mmmmmffmmmggg..."

"Honey? Wake up a sec, OK? There's something wrong with the set!"

"I'm still -- what time is -- "

"Can you just take a look for a minute?"

"I can't believe you can't -- the games don't start till later, dear."

"I know when the games start. I'm talking about the shows -- the news shows. The set's not working right."

"Did you -- "

"I tried the remote, and then without the remote. I even -- what do you call it? -- rebooted it, twice. Same thing -- she's everywhere."

"Who's everywhere, dear?"

"Hillary."

"Hillary."

"Everywhere."

"Well, she is running for president, dear -- it's wouldn't be surprising if she showed up on a few of the talk shows. They all -- "

"All of them."

"All of them what, dear?"

"She's on all of the talk shows. She's on 'Meet the Press.' She's on 'This Week with George What's-His-Name.' She's on 'Face the Music.' She's -- "

"'Nation,' dear. It's 'Face the Nation.'"

"Whatever. She's there, too. Plus she's on CNN -- and she's even on Fox! Hillary Clinton's on Fox!"

"On Fox?"

"See? I told you something was wrong with the set!"

"Why is she -- "

"Wherever I change the channel, she's there -- in the same room, with the same suit on, and the same books behind her. It's weird."

"But -- "

"It's like the State of the Union, you know? When the president's talking and all the networks cover it?"

"Except she's not the president."

"Well, that's the other weird thing. Did we sleep through the primaries or something?"

"Of course not! How could we possibly -- "

"Well, she keeps talking like the primaries are over and she's the nominee. She keeps saying how she's looking forward to debating her Republican opponent about some issue or other. I thought she still had plenty of Democrats running -- "

"Last time I checked."

"You know, Edwards, Obama..."

"I know. Plenty of them."

"And then sometimes she even says 'When I'm president...', like she doesn't only have the nomination, but the election's over, too, and she's just waiting to be inaugurated!"

"I'm sure she's just -- "

"Maybe I slept through the primaries, but I'd never sleep through Election Day!"

"You didn't sleep through anything, dear. Neither of us slept through anything. She's just trying to look inevitable."

"Inevitable?"

"You know, 'Surrender, Dorothy' -- like there's no point in resisting any longer."

"Shouldn't they at least have some votes first? I mean, before they -- "

"They'll have some votes first. It's just a strategy -- she's trying to psych everybody out."

"Well, she certainly psyched me out! I thought she -- so she's not the nominee?"

"She's not the nominee."

"And she wasn't elected?"

"Nope -- wasn't elected."

"And there's nothing wrong with the set?"

"There's nothing wrong with the set. And I'm going back to sleep, OK?"

"OK."

"OK."

"Honey?"

"What now?"

"Do you know where I put my wallet?"

Posted 9/25/07. Rick is only a click away! (Shouldn't you tell the neighbors?)

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

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