Nothing but a Breeze

By Rick Horowitz

In an alternate universe somewhere, Jeb is in the White House -- and George is running Florida.

"...and that should take care of it. And on that other thing -- "

"Excuse me, governor? Sorry to interrupt you, but..."

"C'mon in. What's up?"

"You're not going to believe this, sir, but it's looks like we've got another hurricane heading our way. And it's a big one."

"Again? I thought they ran out of all the big ones already. What'd we have, Charley and Frances? And then Jeanne? And what was that other one again? Igor?"

"Ivan."

"Right -- Ivan. I knew it was one of those Russians. Anyhow, you'll keep me up to date?"

"Absolutely. Actually, sir, we were wondering whether you might want to issue some kind of warning this time. Tell people to get ready, in case they have to evacuate or something."

"Now, why would they have to do that?"

"Evacuate? Well, just in case the storm continues to intensify, it might make sense to let them -- "

"Where are we?"

"Excuse me?"

"Where are we? Right now."

"Well, we're in the governor's office. In Tallahassee."

"And Tallahassee is...?"

"In Florida."

"Exactly! And what's Florida called?"

"The Sunshine State. But I don't -- "

"The Sunshine State! Which means the weather is sunny. And I'm the governor of the Sunshine State. Which means I'm sunny. Got it? You can't expect to be the leader of the Sunshine State unless you can say clearly that things look sunny, no matter how things look."

"Look, sir, I know it's bad for tourism -- all the damage and the rubble and such. But with all due respect, sir, at least in retrospect, wouldn't it have made sense to have put out evacuation orders on at least a couple of those other ones?"

"Tell 'em to cut and run, you mean? No way I was gonna say something like that -- it'd just demoralize folks. Same with this one."

"But the latest storm tracks from NOAA look really dangerous. In fact, there's a pretty good chance -- "

"I know all about NOAA's storm tracks -- they say life could be lousy, life could be OK, life could be better. They're just guessin'."

"Maybe so, but since they seem to keep guessing right, maybe we -- "

"Oh yeah? How right were they when they said Jeanne was goin' out into the ocean, and I told everybody there wasn't anything to worry about? And then it does one of those loop-de-loops and comes back around and slams us?"

"Well, sir, you'll remember we suggested you issue an updated statement on that one, with all the latest details and an alert and -- "

"That would be changin' my position."

"Sir?"

"That would be changin' my position."

"But the hurricane had changed its position!"

"That's the hurricane's business. I'm in the business of bein' steady. I take a position, I stick with it."

"Even if -- ?"

"Consistent."

"But -- "

"Stay the course."

"I see."

"I knew you would. Anyway, let me know when this one's blown through -- I guess we'll have to put in another call to Little Brother, get some more of that Washington money. It's good to have friends in high places, isn't it?"

"Actually, sir, about the disaster assistance?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you ever planning to spend it?"

Posted 9/28/04. Like a fresh breeze rippling the leaves: It's award-winning commentary from Rick Horowitz. Tell your neighbors!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

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