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Sad Sox Curses? Foiled Again!By Rick Horowitz
Here at the Institute for the Vaguely Paranormal, we are, frankly, bored to tears. Another October, another baseball post-season -- and another opportunity to endure discussion of the so-called "Curse of the Bambino." Matters are certain to be even worse than usual this year, because the two storied franchises at the root of the alleged phenomenon find themselves locked once again in direct conflict. For the uninitiated, this hoary staple of desperate sportswriters and their equally brain-dead broadcast brethren holds that the 1920 sale of one George Herman Ruth (a.k.a. "The Babe," a.k.a. "The Bambino") from the Boston Red Sox to the New York Yankees not only set the New Yorkers on the road to perpetual triumph, but doomed the New Englanders to eons of mediocrity, punctuated by moments of potential glory transformed at the very last into an assortment of excruciating near-misses. Bummer. True, the Red Sox last won the World Series in the latter years of the Woodrow Wilson administration -- 1918, to be precise. But the idea that a player transaction entered into more than eighty years ago -- even the sale of so stellar a talent as Babe Ruth -- could be responsible for one team's incessant ineptitude is, to put it mildly, delusional, not to mention tiresome in the extreme. As a public service, therefore, and as the Red Sox and the Yankees do battle in the American League Championship Series, we are happy to offer several alternative theories to explain these much-examined events. While our theories are neither more nor less scientifically plausible than "The Curse of the Bambino," they have, at least, the benefit of freshness. And if even dedicated fans have never before encountered these particular explanations, there is good reason for that -- or as Bostonians themselves often say, "Caveat Buckner." We proceed, in order of...likelihood. Alternative Theory No. 1: Still desperate to cut operating costs despite selling Ruth to the Yankees, the Red Sox spend much of the 1920s tinkering with Fenway Park's food service. In addition to reducing the size of hot dogs and candy snacks, the team eliminates many popular toppings from ice cream treats. The fans are outraged, ballpark morale plummets to new lows and the Red Sox spend much of the decade (and the decades to come) in the wilderness. It is, of course, "The Curse of the Maraschino." Alternative Theory No. 2: On a West Coast visit in the early 1930s, legendary Red Sox scout Seymour "Specs" Moran hears about a young phenom named Joe DiMaggio tearing the cover off the ball in San Francisco. Eager to sign DiMaggio to a Red Sox contract, Moran points his Packard toward the Bay Area but misreads several highway signs and winds up lost for weeks on California's back roads, while the Yankees make off with the future superstar. Has Boston ever recovered from "The Curse of Encino and San Bernardino"? Alternative Theory No. 3: Looking to better understand a pitching staff prone to hanging curve balls, the Red Sox turn briefly in the mid-1950s to the extensive university community in and around Boston. Though M.I.T. offers the coaching services of several experts in particle physics, Red Sox management opts instead for simply redesigning the team's resin bags. The result? Fewer damp pitching hands, but just as many disastrous home runs. We know it today as "The Curse of the Neutrino." Alternative Theory No. 4: About to take on the hated Yankees in a one-game playoff at the end of the 1978 season, several key Red Sox players choose reruns over rest the night before the crucial contest. A dozen episodes of the old situation comedy "The Real McCoys" prove irresistible, and the players amuse themselves by doing impressions of the various characters, especially the show's kindly Mexican farmhand. Still exhausted the next afternoon, the Red Sox fall to Bucky Dent -- and to "The Curse of that Pepino." Research continues on "The Curse of Al Martino," "The Curse of Janet Reno," "The Curse of..." Posted 10/7/03. You'll
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Rick Horowitz
