Maybe they pushed too hard.

Is This Some Kind of Poll-ish Joke?

By Rick Horowitz

In the dream he likes to dream, he's striding purposefully down the corridors of the Capitol, his aides fanning out ahead of him to clear a path through pulsing crowds of admiring tourists.

"Make way for the Congressman!" his aides are shouting, while the tourists turn to one another and say, "What a purposeful stride!"

That's the dream he likes to dream.

In the dream he's been dreaming lately, he's spread-eagled across the top of his fancy Capitol desk, his hands and feet stapled right to the mahogany. "Stick pins in the Congressman!" his aides are shouting, while the tourists are pushing forward and crying, "Me first! Me first!"

"It's only a dream," whispers Congressman Cipher to himself. "Only a dream."

This would be Congressman Wally T. ("Flip") Cipher, heir to the famous styling-gel fortune and minor fault in the Great Republican Earthquake of '94. Congressman Cipher would rather be sleeping through the night, the way he used to do. He doesn't like gruesome images racing through his head at all hours. As an up-and-coming member of the Symbolic Gestures Subcommittee of the Committee on Effective Effectiveness, Congressman Cipher knows all about gruesome images, and he knows exactly what they mean.

It's election time. He always gets nervous around election time. But it's more than that: He's also seen the latest polls.

For weeks and weeks now, everything's been going swimmingly, for Congressman Cipher, for congressional Republicans everywhere. Not only was it the sixth year of a two-term presidency -- always a great chance for the opposition party to gain lots of ground. But this particular two-term president was up to his eyeballs in scandal.

There was hardly a day that went by without some new pile of evidence oozing out, some new offense against honesty and integrity and the rule of law and all those other nifty phrases the campaign committee had passed along for him to use at every opportunity. All the Republicans had to do, Congressman Cipher knew, was keep investigating the guy right through Election Day -- investigating him and slamming him and releasing every bit of dirt they could find on him -- and they were looking at a blowout of historic proportions.

So what's with these latest poll numbers?

Congressman Cipher has the results sitting right next to his bed; he turns on the light and reads them again. He still can't believe what he's seeing. Clinton up four points since the House voted to begin impeachment proceedings! Sixty-seven percent of the country now saying he's doing a good job as president! Almost 40 percent of Republicans saying he's doing a good job!

But the numbers aren't simply good for Clinton; Congressman Cipher could live with that if he had to, as long as his own constituents sent him back to Washington to keep an eye on the man. But the numbers are good for Clinton and they're bad for Congress -- especially for Republicans in Congress.

Seventy-one percent say Republicans in Congress are "mainly interested in hurting Clinton" rather than "finding out the truth." Only 34 percent now say they trust Republicans in Congress more than Clinton to handle the major problems facing the country. Only 42 percent of likely voters say they intend to vote for the Republican House candidate in their district. Only --

"Only one poll," Congressman Cipher tells himself as he pulls the pillows back over his head. "It's only one poll."

If he can just get a few hours of decent sleep, he'll feel so much better about things.

Across the room, the alarm clock is ringing.

Posted 10/13/98. Fresh stuff right here twice weekly!