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Turmoil at Dubya's playhouse Give the Man His PropsBy Rick Horowitz " -- but then they stayed with him one batter too long, and that curve ball just -- " "Excuse me, Mr. President, but we'll be landing in a couple of minutes, and we wanted to walk you through the event one more time." "Got it -- thanks. So his curve ball just sat there, and -- " "If we could have a minute, sir?" "I come out, I wave, I come down the steps, I shake hands, I say a few words, I get in the car. Right so far? I've only done this a million times." "We meant the actual event itself, sir -- once you get into town. Just walk you through some of the details." "Is this one the goggles, or the work boots?" "Neither, sir. The work boots were last week, and the goggles are tomorrow afternoon." "The hard hat?" "Townsfolk, sir. Good, hardworking Louisiana townsfolk, picking up the pieces." "I really liked the hard hat." "And we'll do it again, sir, but not just yet. We don't want to overdo it." "Got it. So I take the tour and I sympathize, and then I praise their hard work, and they won't let it beat them down, and they'll rebuild better than ever, and I hug the kids and -- " "That's kind of what we wanted to talk to you about, sir. No kids this time." "Of course there are kids. I do an event, I hug some cute black kids -- it goes with the territory." "I'm afraid not, sir." "Why not?" "Well..." "Why not?" "We've run out of cute black kids -- down here, at least. You've already hugged all of them." "How can -- I don't believe this! How can we run out of them? I've been here -- what? -- ten times now? Eleven times? And we've already run through all the cute black kids?" "A lot of them left the area, sir -- because of the flooding? And a bunch of them haven't come back yet." "Well, heck, they can't rebuild better than ever if they're not even here!" "We understand, sir. But that's really not their decision -- it's the parents. Anyway, we do have some cute black adults on standby, just in case. And I understand there's an Asian kid in town -- some kind of exchange program. If you'd like, we can find out if he's cute." "Cute black kids! I hug cute black kids! That's how people know I'm compassionate -- it's like my trademark!" "We know, sir, but -- " "This never would have happened if Karl was here." "Karl's kind of busy at the moment, sir. Besides, we checked with him, and he agrees: There just aren't any cute ones left." "What if I hugged a couple of 'em again? They wouldn't mind, would they? Two chances to hug their president in front of all the cameras?" "Honestly, sir? It feels a little hinky." "Well, then let's bring some in from somewhere else! Fill a bus or -- I know! We could bring 'em down the river, on one of those paddlewheels or something, and -- " "Sir?" " -- and I could meet 'em at the dock and hug 'em as soon as they came down the gangplank!" "Sir? Shipping black kids in? On boats? It could raise some unpleasant associations, if you catch my drift." "You guys think of everything, don't you?" "That's why we're here, sir." "OK, you win. No hugging today. On one condition." "The hard hat." "The hard hat." Posted 10/14/05.
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Rick Horowitz
