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False alarms Prince Albert in a Can? Can It.By Rick Horowitz
Here's my current thinking on the subject: Osama bin Laden doesn't do talcum powder. He also doesn't do sugar or sawdust, flour or sand, Cremora or Styrofoam. Does he do anthrax? It's still an open question, though less open, it seems to me, with every passing hour, with every new lab report that comes back positive. But all that other stuff? All those other "powdery substances" that keep turning up in post offices and mailrooms and airplane galleys and wherever -- turning up and then turning out to be nothing? Is bin Laden behind those? I don't buy it. Not that all that other stuff, coming right on the heels of some of the real stuff, the lethal stuff, doesn't do a perfectly acceptable job of putting terror into the hearts of millions. But why settle for terror alone if you can get terror and horrible death, too? Osama bin Laden doesn't strike me as a man for halfway measures. So if bin Laden doesn't do talcum powder, who does? And what's the chance of convincing them, whoever they are, to stop making an awful situation even worse? On the first question, I've got four suspects -- four categories of suspects, actually. And on the second question? Well, that depends on the answer to the first question, but for three out of the four, I figure it's worth a try. (You can't be a columnist if you can't be an optimist.) Call them the overthrowers, the vengeance takers, the power lackers and the practical jokers. The overthrowers: You're our homegrown terrorists, fringe groups from across the political spectrum who see the government as the enemy and are only too happy to add to the current disorder. You may even have some of the real stuff in your arsenals, but even if you don't, you're ready to join the battle. After all, if an extra few dozen powder-filled envelopes can make the authorities look even more frantic, or inept, or frantically inept, so much the better, right? Convincing you to change your ways is pretty much hopeless, except perhaps by reminding you that if you're ever caught at it, the government you despise will make you pay big time. That leaves the other three groups. I think there's a chance -- a chance -- of persuading them to reconsider. The vengeance takers: You've had the acid churning in your gut for years -- a heartless employer, a relationship gone sour. Here, at last -- and so simple, too -- is your chance to get even, to make those people hurt as much as they've made you hurt. Hard to resist, isn't it? The power lackers: In your normal life, you're in charge of absolutely zero. Nothing happens at your command. Nobody comes at your call. But it can all be different now, can't it? And so simple, too -- like pulling the handle on a fire alarm and watching all the trucks race past, horns sounding, sirens screaming. So much commotion, and it's all your doing! The practical jokers: You'll do anything for a laugh. It's the plastic vomit, the phony doggy-doo -- only better! You're not looking to upset anyone, are you? You're just trying to have a little fun. And it's all so simple. I sympathize, really I do. In fact, I sympathize with all three of these groups. Vengeance? I've had times -- I still have times -- when I desperately wanted to get even with someone. Power? Everybody deserves to feel some control over things. And jokes? Hey, who doesn't like to get off a good one from time to time? But this isn't the time. It's not the time for that kind of joke, or that kind of power play, or that kind of vengeance. The thing is, the person you're aiming at this time isn't the only person who gets hurt. Families, neighbors, co-workers, friends, a town, a city, a state -- each person who hears about another possible case is another casualty. And there's this: Every hoax and every false alarm brings National Panic Day that much closer, stretches the police and the health-care system that much thinner. There's a time coming, maybe very soon, when we -- when you -- may need to call on these people. Osama bin Laden doesn't do talcum powder. Posted 10/16/01.
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Rick Horowitz
