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Ballot barriers? Every Vote Counts. (Some More Than Others)By Rick Horowitz
Greetings, and welcome to E-Z-Vote! The governor of this state, in cooperation with state and local election authorities, has designed this system to help you participate in the 2004 presidential election. Voting is both a sacred right and an awesome privilege, and we're glad that you've chosen to take part. This pamphlet will guide you step-by-step through the registration and voting processes for your area. Please follow these instructions carefully; failure to comply may result in significant delays in processing your application and/or tallying your vote. That would be a real pity, don't you think? Registration: In order to vote, you must first be registered; for a list of registration venues and hours of operation in your area, please consult Attachment A below. To help us improve the registration process, please decide whether you intend to register as 1) a Republican; 2) a Democrat; or 3) an Independent. Registrants in Category 1 should complete and submit the E-Z-Enroll application form found on Page 2 below. Registrants in Category 2 should complete and submit the Not-So-E-Z-Enroll application form found on Pages 3-17 below. To determine which form Category 3 registrants should use, please answer the following question: True or false: President Bush is a strong and decisive leader who is firm and unwavering in his resolve to defeat the terrorists wherever they hide, and who will continue to fight for real American values, not the wimpy, weak-kneed big-government policies of the past. Registrants should make sure that their applications are complete in all details. Local registration officials may, at their discretion, disqualify applications for any of the following reasons: 1. Lack of valid signature; 2. Insufficient thickness and/or cotton content of paper stock used in application form; 3. Failure to swear, attest, affirm, confirm, reaffirm and re-reaffirm United States citizenship; 4. Failure to provide a complete address, including nine-digit ZIP code and full GPS latitude and longitude readings; 5. You just rub them the wrong way. If you feel your application has been incorrectly disqualified, please complete Application Reconsideration Form # GOP-04 in triplicate and stick it where the sun don't shine. Early Voting: Once your registration application has been approved, you are eligible to vote. To make voting as convenient as possible for as many voters as possible, this state has adopted Early Voting procedures to augment traditional Election Day voting; on-site and mail-in ballots may be cast at any time during the fourteen (14) days preceding Election Day. To take part in early on-site voting, consult the list of polling places found in Attachment B below. In many cases, you'll find a polling place within easy walking distance of your home or place of business. (Note: May not apply to African-Americans. Those are the breaks.) To take part in early mail-in voting, complete the mail-in ballot found in Attachment C and be certain that your ballot is postmarked no later than Tuesday, November 2. Please print the name of your preferred candidate in the lower-right-hand corner of the ballot envelope; this will ensure expedited handling of your vote. Election Day Voting: Election Day is an important day for all Americans, and a time to celebrate the freedoms we all cherish. To cast your vote on Election Day, consult the list of polling places found in Attachment D below. When you arrive at your assigned polling place, be prepared to show a valid driver's license or other government-issued identification card, as well as some combination of utility bills, frequent-flier account numbers and organ-donor cards, to be determined by local election officials as they see fit. You should also be prepared to walk past several dozen gun-toting policemen and many other local citizens using video cameras. It's not that we don't trust you; we're simply being careful. (That would explain all the lawyers.) Finally, you may discover that voters at your local polling place are assigned to one of several lines -- e.g., "A-K and L-Z," "College Students and Real Residents," "White and Colored." This is done simply to speed the voting process, and should not be a cause for even the slightest concern. We are absolutely committed to giving every vote the attention it deserves. Posted 10/19/04.
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Rick Horowitz
