Iowa? Not for them.

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Caucus Scorned

By Rick Horowitz

DES MOINES, Any Minute Now -- Still smarting from an unexpected blow to its national political influence, Iowa today challenged two Democratic presidential contenders to "step outside and settle this."

But the two -- Connecticut senator Joseph Lieberman and former NATO commander Wesley Clark -- ignored the challenge and stuck with their plans to bypass Iowa's first-in-the-nation caucuses.

The result of this latest maneuvering: a race for the Democratic nomination thrown into at least temporary confusion, and one very angry slice of the Midwest.

"Nobody treats Iowa this way," the nation's 29th state declared at a crowded news conference here this afternoon. "They think they're such tough guys, let 'em prove it, right here, right now. What are they afraid of?"

Today's events were triggered last weekend, when both the Lieberman and Clark campaigns decided to abandon their efforts to compete in the January 19 caucuses. Lieberman's lagging poll numbers, and Clark's late arrival in a state that puts a premium on field organization, had convinced strategists in both camps that their time and resources would be better spent elsewhere.

The twin decisions were never likely to be popular here, but the vehemence of Iowa's response surprised even some seasoned political observers. They noted that the caucuses have been a high point on the presidential nominating calendar for more than a quarter century, launching candidacies and sinking others. And they wondered whether Iowa's time in the sun might be drawing to a close.

Today at least, Iowa was defiant.

"Other candidates have tried to pass Iowa by," the Hawkeye State pointed out. "And the White House has passed them by. Everyone knows the road to the Oval Office goes right through Des Moines."

For their part, both Lieberman and Clark have been trying to soothe bruised feelings since their decisions became public, knowing that, should either win the nomination, his success could hinge on keeping Iowa in the Democratic column on Election Day.

"I may be leaving Iowa behind," Lieberman announced this morning, "but I'm saying it with a mournful tone in my voice, just as I say everything with a mournful tone in my voice."

And Clark suggested that even his limited forays into the state as a candidate had familiarized him with "the vital issues that concern folks from Bettendorf to Sioux Falls -- or Sioux City, whichever one you people have."

Iowa, meanwhile, continued to hurl invective and threats at the departing candidates.

"They think they're so smart! They think they're so much better than we are! Well, they're nothing but chickens, the both of them, and everybody's gonna know it!"

Iowa vowed to talk about Lieberman and Clark to neighboring states like Illinois and Wisconsin. "It isn't trashing them if you're telling the truth," Iowa maintained. "And just watch -- the whole Midwest will be on our side!"

The impact of the Lieberman and Clark moves on the rest of the Iowa caucus field is hard to gauge. After learning of Iowa's comments, former Vermont governor Howard Dean, locked in a tight battle here with Missouri congressman Dick Gephardt, offered to fight the state "anywhere, anytime."

"Not that I've got anything against Iowa," Dean explained, "but just to remind Iowans I'm still the angry candidate. Would I keep showing off my muscular forearms if I wasn't ready to punch somebody out?"

Spokesmen for the Gephardt campaign declined immediate comment, as did those for senators John Kerry of Massachusetts and John Edwards of North Carolina.

Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinich was available for comment, but nobody cared.

Posted 10/21/03. When you care enough to read the very best, click to "Rick's" -- you'll be so glad you did!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker

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