Perfectly plausible, every last word.

Don't Hold Your Breath

By Rick Horowitz

WASHINGTON (OR A REASONABLE FACSIMILE) -- Celebrating the federal government's first budget surplus in almost three decades, President Clinton said today that there was more than enough political credit to go around.

In a White House ceremony notable for its bipartisan tone, Mr. Clinton announced that the balance sheet for the 1998 fiscal year just ending would be in the black by some $70 billion, the first federal surplus since 1969. While clearly buoyed by the rosy numbers, the president declined to claim the lion's share of the accolades for the long-awaited accomplishment.

"They say victory has a thousand fathers while defeat is an orphan," the president declared as a digital display behind him flashed "The Right Place at the Right Time" in bold red letters. "Well, they know what they're talking about."

Mr. Clinton cited a variety of factors that contributed to the positive budget figures, including spending restraints imposed by congressional Republicans when they assumed control of both houses after the 1994 elections, and an economy enjoying continued boom times far longer than most experts had thought possible.

"The more people work, the more they earn," Mr. Clinton explained. "And the more they earn, the more the government collects in taxes. What's that got to do with me?"

Congressional Republicans attending the ceremony, meanwhile, were equally modest in their claims, and quick to praise the president for his early leadership in tackling the deficit issue.

"When every one of us on our side of the aisle voted against his [1993] deficit-reduction package," House Speaker Newt Gingrich confessed, "it was politics, pure and simple." As for those frequent Republican predictions that the president's approach would spell disaster for the economy? "When we're wrong, we're wrong," Mr. Gingrich happily admitted. "We blew it big time."

Recent economic turmoil around the globe may also have played a role in Mr. Clinton's low-key treatment of today's budget numbers. Many experts have expressed fears that sooner or later -- and probably sooner -- the slowdown in the world economy will take its toll on America as well. Mr. Clinton was quick to acknowledge the possibility.

"Look," he said, "if it all goes down the toilet in the next few months, I'm certainly going to say I had nothing to do with it. So how can I take all the credit for the good times?"

The jittery international situation aside, however, the mood of the ceremony was decidedly upbeat, and managed to push aside, if only temporarily, the president's continuing legal and political problems. Mr. Clinton made only a passing reference to the Lewinsky matter, conceding that it was "certainly tempting" to suggest that the country's financial well-being was far more important to the average American than his own private sexual behavior.

"But it would be wrong," the president said he had realized. "Just because the deficit is gone doesn't mean I can get away with acting like a jerk."

Mr. Gingrich, on the other hand, seemed inclined to cut the president a bit more slack.

"Certainly one of the things that enters into our calculations of any possible impeachment is the job the president is doing in other areas," Mr. Gingrich explained. "We'd be crazy to ignore this kind of achievement" on the deficit.

The ceremony concluded with the president and congressional leaders of both parties gathered at the podium for a group handshake and photograph, and a vow not to use the prospect of a surplus for partisan advantage in this fall's House and Senate campaigns.

In a related development, the National Weather Service reported today that hell has frozen over.

Posted 10/2/98. Fresh stuff right here twice weekly!

Search the Web Search Rick's!