 |
Fashion-forward Spot, in Stripes and SolidsBy Rick Horowitz
The eyes tell it all. The eyes, and the tilt of the head. The other models gaze elsewhere -- across the room, or off into the middle distance. This one, though, allows the camera to approach, to peer within. The right eye is shrouded in shadow; the left is a pool of pain. And the tilt of the head, a few degrees from the vertical, manages to convey emotions both quizzical -- "Can you believe this?" -- and resigned -- "There's no escaping it." We're looking at what is surely the most hangdog of expressions. Which only makes sense, since we're talking about a dog. A spaniel, to be semi-specific. A spaniel in a fleece-lined coat. I'm not exactly thrilled to see this, the latest doggie fashions in what I thought was our latest human-fashions catalog. But I've got nothing on the dog. He looks as if there's only one other place on earth he'd rather be: anywhere else. "REDESIGNED PET SQUALL COAT," the catalog announces. (I must have missed the original.) "Perfect for wintertime walks. Features water-resistant Supplex nylon outer shell for protection (with reflective strips) and cozy Polartec polyester fleece lining. Adjustable straps with Velcro closures wrap around your dog's..." And so on. (Enough trademarks for you?) Available in four colors -- "Sunburst," "Hunter," "Bright Royal" and "Red" -- and five sizes. "For your four-legged friends," says the catalog. There are times when friendship with a pet asks too much. Of the pet. The spaniel in the Squall Coat -- springer, cocker, whatever -- happens to be sporting "Sunburst," a positively incandescent yellow that makes this particular pooch's chance of ever getting lost in a snowstorm as unlikely as the chance of his ever walking down the street again without attracting catcalls. "Easy-on/easy-off," the catalog promises. Too easy in the first case, the dog is thinking. Not nearly easy enough in the second. But the spaniel is just one of the fine canine specimens brought low by the dictates of two-legged style. On the very same page is a golden retriever turned out in a "BARN JACKET." Personally, I've never heard of a "BARN JACKET" -- upper or lower case -- but the catalog assures me that "It's the real thing -- with rugged canvas, corduroy collar and plaid flannel lining." This one comes in only one color, "Olive Brown," and I have no idea why a dog would wear it in a barn. A World War I costume drama is another matter; in this getup, a dog could definitely play "Rex, Mongrel Mutt of the Trenches." Assuming he wanted to. But this particular dog isn't sure; at least that's how I read his expression. He's not nearly as morose as the spaniel is, but he's not exactly brimming with confidence either. He wonders if he's finally become the dapper dog he's always dreamed of being -- or simply a clotheshorse. He worries that he could look perfectly foolish in this thing. He's right. And then there's the tiny terrier. The tiny terrier looks absolutely delighted to be wearing his "DOGGIE SWEATER" in an attractive "Cardinal Red/Winter White" rib-knit stripe. (Of course, the attractive "Cardinal Red/Winter White" rib-knit stripe is the only color combination available.) The sweater, the catalog declares, features "pullover ease" and is "great for outdoor adventures." Prediction? This dog ever wears this sweater out in public, his primary outdoor adventure is going to be dodging rocks. Rocks, and those nasty little kissing noises from all the other dogs. I know: Pet owners only want the best for their furry companions. Sometimes it's treats, sometimes it's toys, and sometimes it's...textiles. I've got just two things to say. One: Five dollars more gets Fido a monogram. Two: Don't even think about it. Posted 10/30/02.
Make "Rick's" your pet site -- or even your pet's site -- for award-winning
commentary!
|
  |
Rick Horowitz
