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Iraqify, my baby, to a ditzy melody The Pentagon ReconsidersBy Rick Horowitz
Dear Former Iraqi
Conscript and/or Able-bodied Iraqi Male: The President of the United States sends his greetings. The President has also asked me, in my capacity as Secretary of Defense of the United States, to let you know about an exciting opportunity that will soon be coming your way. Here is your chance to do something for your country. Here is your chance to give something back to the land you love. Yes, friends: Here is your chance to put the Iraqi back in Operation Iraqi Freedom! This letter is our way of letting you know that the United States and its coalition partners are extending a heartfelt invitation to Iraqi men between the ages of 18 and 55: Sign up for the new and improved, reconstituted Iraqi army. Once the most feared fighting force in all the Middle East, the Iraqi army is about to make a comeback, "under new management." After careful reconsideration, the United States and its coalition partners have decided that it really would be OK -- in fact, it would be desirable -- to have a hundred thousand or so additional Iraqi soldiers taking part in the continuing liberation and rebuilding of Iraq. "Why," we wondered, "should American boys and girls win the lion's share of military honors, posthumous and otherwise, when so many talented Iraqi soldiers are sitting at home twiddling their thumbs? Or worse yet, taking to the streets in mindless frustration against their coalition allies? (Not that we think you're mindless.) "What a terrible waste of talent!" we thought to ourselves. And the more we thought about it, the more intrigued we were by the possibilities. Just imagine: Experienced Iraqi combat units replacing American units, and manning the shadowy front lines in our vital struggle against murderous terrorists. Skilled Iraqi combat support units replacing American units, and repairing bridges, or clearing land mines, or building roads, or clearing land mines, or defusing bombs, or even clearing land mines. Why should you miss out on all that excitement? It's crucial work, every bit of it -- plus the chance to send your career prospects shooting sky high at any moment. Why attack supply trains and make off with somebody else's medals? Now you can defend supply trains and maybe even earn your own medals! Take it from me: You can't sit on the sidelines any longer! Remember that special army camaraderie, the feeling of "all for one, and the one is Saddam"? Well, those days are gone, thank goodness -- but in their place, we're launching an exciting new Iraqi army we're sure you'll find even more appealing. If you're looking for adventure, you've come to the right place. (Actually, you've been here all along, which is part of your appeal.) Now, we know there were some hard feelings last spring when our new United States administrator for Iraq seemed to announce that he was disbanding the Iraqi army. It just goes to show you how thick the "fog of war" can be -- we've had a chance to look into this situation, and it turns out it was all a big misunderstanding! The administrator, Paul Bremer, was so impressed by the Iraqi fighting machine that he wanted to throw an enormous parade to honor them, but he couldn't find enough drummers and buglers to lead the march across Baghdad. "Here is this Iraqi army," said Mr. Bremer. "Where is this band?" Somehow, that got misinterpreted. Go figure. So what are you waiting for? Come sign up -- it could be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. And call up that old army buddy of yours and get him to sign up, too -- you'll earn bonus points toward valuable prizes like electricity and drinkable water. There's no time like now to be a part of today's Iraqi army. Uncle Sam wants you! Uncle Sam wants out. Sincerely... (Some conditions may apply. See your army recruiter for details.) Posted 11/4/03. Get
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Rick Horowitz
