 |
Somebody else's fault "Gay Panic" Defense? Get Ready for These.By Rick Horowitz It doesn't fly in Wyoming, said the judge in the Aaron McKinney trial; there'll be no "Gay Panic" defense around here. Chalk up one small defeat for the blame-the-victim crowd. Will it stop them? It won't stop them. Coming soon to a courtroom somewhere: The "Gay Mechanic" defense: You bring your car into the shop, and the grease monkey starts waving his tools around just a little too lasciviously for your comfort. Suddenly, memories come flooding back of a previous trip to another garage, and a burly man who told you you needed "a lube job." What choice do you have? You pound this new guy senseless with a tire iron. The "Gay Hispanic" defense: You're walking down the street minding your own business, and a man in a tight black T-shirt comes on to you in Spanish. Actually, you're not sure it's Spanish -- you don't speak Spanish -- and you're not even sure he's coming on to you. You beat him to a bloody pulp anyway; you can't be too careful nowadays. The "Gay Botanic" defense: You're working in the backyard, and the fellow next door stops by to tell you he likes what you're doing with your hedges. You remember him saying he once had a summer job as a gardener. You know all about gardeners, and the urge is irresistible: You work him over with your pruning shears and toss his lifeless body onto your mulch pile. The "Gay Organic" defense: You run into a co-worker in the grocery store. He tells you you're looking a little blue, and he suggests you try a bottle of St. John's Wort to improve your mood. You suddenly remember your childhood, and the way your family doctor used to prescribe different pills for you and tap on your chest and look down your throat and touch you practically everywhere. You're overcome with self-loathing, and before you know it, you've lured your co-worker into the parking lot and run him down with your shopping cart. He had it coming to him. The "Gay Titanic" defense: You're in a movie theater, trying to concentrate on the world's most popular disaster epic, but all you hear are sniffles from the man sitting right behind you. In a flash, you recall those rumors you've heard about Leonardo DiCaprio, and you're filled with an overwhelming sense of revulsion -- you pistol-whip the sniffling man until he can't make another sound. The "Gay Oceanic" defense: You're on a pleasure cruise to tropical ports, and on the first night out, your waiter says, "My name is Mark -- I'm here to serve you." Everyone else at your table seems pleased by the attention; you're the only one who knows what he's suggesting. You stab him with your salad fork and throw his oozing body overboard. The "Gay Volcanic" defense: You're in your night-school geology class, reading an account of an eruption on Mt. Vesuvius. You remember hearing long ago that Mt. Vesuvius is part of Italy, which is in the Mediterranean -- but so is the island of Lesbos, which is part of Greece. Your professor is much too clever to make any explicit connection between lava-spewing mountains and lesbians, but you can see right through him. You wait until class is finished and slam his head over and over again against the blackboard. He brought it on himself. The "Gay Messianic" defense: You're reading the Bible, looking for guidance in your life, when you come across the words "Love thy neighbor." Instead of a nice warm glow, you feel a burning in the pit of your stomach and a fury that can't be contained. Your subconscious takes complete control of you, and you track down your local clergyman and set him on fire for even suggesting such a thing. And last but not least: The "Gay Satanic" defense: The devil made you do it. Posted 11/6/99. Fresh
stuff right here twice weekly!
|
  |
Rick Horowitz