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Personality transplant They'll Be Good. Cross Their Hearts.By Rick Horowitz
"The settlement is fair and reasonable and, most important, is in the best interests of consumers and the economy." Bill Gates, Microsoft Chairman "Count
the silverware." Rick Horowitz, Professional Skeptic WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Department of Justice is pleased to announce that it has reached a settlement with the Microsoft Corporation that will halt the company's improper business practices, restore free and unfettered competition to the computer-software industry and end years of costly and arduous litigation. While this agreement still requires final approval by the presiding judge, the department is confident that the rigorous conduct standards and enforcement mechanisms agreed to by the parties will benefit consumers of Microsoft products and Microsoft's many competitors. An agreement of this magnitude is necessarily a complicated one, requiring the strictest scrutiny of each detail. Fortunately, Microsoft's attorneys assure us that we've thought of everything. Among the major provisions of the settlement are the following: Tying of Products: Microsoft is prohibited from using Windows licensing agreements to force computer makers to install Microsoft "middleware" -- web browsers, music players, instant-messaging technology, etc. -- on their computers. Encouraging them to do so is something else again. Cajoling is OK, too. We can even live with hectoring, as long as Microsoft doesn't become a total pain about it. Source Code: To ensure that other companies are able to develop software fully compatible with Windows operating systems, Microsoft will be required to permit inspection of its so-called "source code" for Windows. These inspections will be carried out in a timely manner, as agreed to by Microsoft and the companies in question. This department has been reliably informed that source code is extremely sensitive to the slightest variations in temperature and light; Microsoft will therefore be permitted to establish "reasonable safeguards" for these inspections: e.g., limiting inspections to 30 seconds per visit, in a pitch-black room, by corpses. The "Desktop": To create a level playing field for software from Microsoft and other vendors, computer makers will be permitted to remove icons for Microsoft programs from the "desktop," or start-up screen, without retaliation from Microsoft. For the purposes of this agreement, the term "retaliation" does not include software shipments to certain computer makers that accidentally go astray, which can happen to anyone these days. Individual consumers will also be permitted to remove Microsoft icons from their desktops. Consumers wishing to do so can receive step-by-step instructions by ordering Microsoft's new booklet, "So You Think You Know Better Than We Do?", and following the procedures outlined on pages 47-116. Program Integration: Microsoft pledges its best efforts to eliminate problems encountered by consumers attempting to use software created by other companies. This department recognizes, however, that the personal-computer industry is still in its infancy, and that certain "glitches" are part of the growing process. Microsoft acknowledges, for example, that for the foreseeable future, its operating systems may have difficulty recognizing and responding to certain combinations of characters or keystrokes, e.g., A-O-L, S-u-n, N-e-t-s-c-a-p-e, etc. Windows XP: This department thinks Windows XP is really neat. Overall Conduct: In addition to the provisions set forth above, Microsoft is strictly prohibited during the life of this agreement from developing any product, or engaging in any business practice, that could have an anti-competitive impact on any aspect of the computer industry. (Note: This provision is waived if Microsoft explains the conduct in question by using the word "innovate" or "innovation.") Oversight and Enforcement: Finally, as carefully drawn as the above provisions are, they are only as effective as the mechanisms put in place to ensure compliance. To guarantee that Microsoft lives up to both the letter and the spirit of this agreement, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates is required to call this department at least once every six months and tell us whether he's been behaving himself. Posted 11/8/01. Get
fresh commentary from syndicated columnist Rick Horowitz twice every
week. (Unless Bill Gates hears about it.)
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Rick Horowitz
