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Altering the presidential coattails Whatever It TakesBy Rick Horowitz
"Excuse me, Mr. President -- I've got the congressman returning your call? On line 3?" "Thanks, Judy. I'll -- Billy, you old-so-and-so! Is that you?" "Good morning, Mr. President. How are you today?" "Hangin' in, Billy. Hangin' in. Look, the reason I was callin' is -- " "You're calling about the bill. I have to tell you, Mr. President, that's a tough one for me. Some of those cuts really hit us where we live." "I know how you feel, Billy -- I didn't get everything I wanted either, but we all need to compromise or we can't get it done. We need to show folks we can accomplish what we -- " "I hear you, Mr. President, but it's not that easy right now. Lots of my people are pretty ticked off about things. I have to be careful how much more I ask them to swallow." "I understand, but you know you'll have the White House right behind you, right? And we'll -- hey! That reminds me -- that shipyard event you've got down there next week? I'm thinkin' maybe I could drop by and -- " "No!! I mean, that's very kind of you to offer." "I just figured I'd -- " "It's really not necessary, sir -- not as busy as you are. I mean, I couldn't possibly -- " "Nonsense! It'll be a chance to get out of Washington, tell everyone what a good friend you've been." "But I don't want to trouble you with -- " "No trouble at all! I'll be there next Thursday, and I won't take any backtalk!" "Thursday? Did you say Thursday?" "That's what it says on the schedule, right? 'Dedication ceremony, 11 a.m. Thursday'?" "Oh, that's too bad -- I'm busy on Thursday!" "You're -- you're not goin' to the dedication? I thought sure you'd be at the dedication." "I thought so, too, Mr. President, but something came up. Very last minute. I didn't even -- oh, that's too bad, it would have been nice to see you. Darn! Well, maybe some other -- " "Could have had lots of pictures -- you know, us shakin' hands, tourin' the grounds together. Plenty of footage for next year." "Don't I know it." "Well, I'm sure we can find another event. What are you doin' Monday? I've got some time -- let's see -- on Monday afternoon, and then Wednesday night, and Friday early." "Let me just pull my calendar here and -- jeez! Wouldn't you know it? I'm just totally booked. Meetings all day Monday and Friday." "What about Wednesday then? We could do -- " "I'd love to, Mr. President, but Wednesdays I wash my hair." "Billy?" "Mr. President?" "You're bald." "Well, yes, but -- " "You know what I think, Billy? I think you don't really want me to come down there for you! I think you're avoidin' me 'cause you think I'll be the kiss of death for your campaign!" "I wouldn't say 'kiss of death' exactly. More like a bad cold." "I -- I -- So I get a couple of bad poll numbers and you won't give me any help on this bill? And you don't even want to be seen with me?!" "When you say it that way, it sounds pretty awful." "You got a better way to say it? You're turnin' tail on me just to cover your own butt!" "I don't know what to -- " "Look. Look. Here's how we'll do it. You don't think I can help you, fine. You vote for this bill, and I won't come down there." "Well, that's very kind of -- " "You vote against this bill, and I'll be in your district every week." "You'll what?!!" "Every week, now till next November. I'll tell everyone how tight we are. How you're my main man in the whole state!" "You wouldn't!" "I will if I have to." "But that's -- I never -- " "Take your time." "You win, Mr. President. I'll vote for it." "I knew I could count on you." "And you'll stay away? You promise?" "Like I never even heard of you." "I appreciate it." "Hey, what are friends for?" Posted 11/10/05.
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Rick Horowitz
