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Everybody's a winner! Securing a Cut of the ActionBy Rick Horowitz "The Senate will be in order. The Senate will be in order. The distinguished senator from Texas has the floor." "Thank you, Mr. President. As I was saying, it's time we stop dilly-dallying and pass this homeland security bill today! President Bush has asked for it, the other body has overwhelmingly approved it, and the safety of the American people requires it. There's no excuse for -- " "Will the gentleman yield for a question?" "Always happy to yield to my distinguished colleague from across the aisle." "I thank the gentleman for yielding. My question is this: Are you kidding?" "If my distinguished colleague would clarify his -- " "I'll be happy to clarify. If I could direct his attention to Section 326 of the bill, subsection A, paragraph 9, subparagraph (b), provision iii..." "Would the gentleman give me just a moment to...OK. And the gentleman's question again?" "With my good friend's permission, I'll rephrase my question: What is this provision doing in this bill? I'm sure it wasn't in the original version." "I appreciate the rephrasing of my good friend's question. This provision -- and the gentleman is correct, it's an amendment approved by the other body during its own consideration -- has been included to enhance the well-being of the American people." "By giving complete liability protection to Jerry's House of Stew?!" "I'll be happy to explain. If I could just -- " "Isn't it bad enough that your side has loaded this bill with special protections for the pharmaceutical industry? Even for lawsuits that have absolutely nothing to do with smallpox vaccines or homeland security or -- " "If the gentleman will permit me to respond. I -- " "Not to mention the companies that make baggage-screening equipment? Not to mention making it easier for corporations that avoid paying taxes by moving their headquarters offshore to still qualify for homeland-security contracts?" "The gentleman is free to disagree, but in a moment of national crisis such as this one, when the whole country needs to be pulling together, I certainly don't see why these patriotic pharmaceutical companies should be subject to the depredations of battalions of trial lawyers." "And the fact that the pharmaceutical industry is a big contributor to the Republican Party?" "Nothing but a coincidence, I assure the gentleman. They simply share our commitment to protecting the homeland." "And a new homeland-security research center at Texas A&M? Another coincidence?" "There's nothing in this legislation that says it has to be at Texas A&M. If the Aggies turn out to meet the requirements more precisely than the competition does..." "So what about Jerry's House of Stew? Could my good friend please tell me how protecting Jerry's House of Stew from lawsuits protects the homeland?" "I'll be happy to. As I'm sure my friend knows, Jerry's House of Stew is a very popular chain of stew shops owned by Gristle Industries -- " "Which is based in Texas." "As it happens. Now, with the world situation so uncertain since September 11th, people all across this land of ours have been yearning for simpler times, and returning to the basics. Well, comfort food is as basic as they come, and there's nothing more comfortable than a piping-hot bowl of stew from Jerry's." "And those two dozen customers with third-degree tongue burns?" "See? More frivolous lawsuits! Why, I oughta..." Posted 11/19/02.
There's nothing frivolous about Rick's stuff! (Well, maybe occasionally.)
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Rick Horowitz
