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Caring for your reptile Kids, Don't Try This at Home!By Rick Horowitz
Don't you just hate it when your friends are right? And not just right, but "I told you so" right? Doesn't it just burn you up? That's OK -- you can admit it. You're among... Anyway. Consider the strange case of one Matt George, a 21-year-old from Yacolt, Wash., who nearly fell off the track for 22. Matt didn't listen to his friend's advice, which is how he wound up kissing a rattlesnake. Twice. Bad move, Matt. It seems our young adventurer had recently been to Arizona. Some people come back from Arizona with hand-made bracelets, or post cards of the Grand Canyon. Something sensible. Matt came back with a two-foot-long rattler. He must have been so pleased with himself -- can you blame him for wanting to show off? Apparently the snake did. On the day in question, Matt was displaying his reptilian roommate for some of his pals. (Matt's pals, not the snake's pals. The snake was new in town.) Showcasing the slithery souvenir must have been way cool to the various humans gathered around, but Matt must have decided he could be...way cooler. So he grabbed the snake behind its head, and brought it near, and kissed it. And nothing happened. We pause here for just a moment to think about all those people, young and old, who love to bump the limits, who can't get enough of living on the edge. They go for the gusto, they do the dew. "Let sleeping dogs lie"? That's not a lifestyle -- that's a challenge. They're the folks who poke the alligator with a stick because it'll look really great on the video. They're the ones who wiggle their fingers inside the tiger cage to see if he's as fast as everyone says he is. They're extreme. -ly moronic. Now back to Matt, who has kissed a rattlesnake and emerged from the encounter unscathed -- and unsatisfied. "I said" -- this is Matt's friend Jim Roban talking -- "'OK, man, you're being stupid, put it away.' He said, 'It's OK, I do it all the time.'" He does it all the time. (Kissing a two-foot-long rattlesnake.) So what's another kiss more or less? Matt must have figured that Jim's advice was totally ignorable. Once again, Matt brought the snake toward him. Once again, Matt planted a nice wet one. We pause once more, to consider the concept of "pushing your luck" -- and to try to see the situation through the snake's eyes. Maybe the snake was simply too surprised to react to Matt's first kiss that day. Or maybe the snake figured that one quick kiss wouldn't damage anybody's reputation, even with all those other people watching. But then a second kiss? Maybe the snake started to feel that somebody was: taking advantage. Did I mention that rattlesnakes have fangs? The bite was right on the lip, right under Matt's moustache. His face started to swell. (Did I mention that rattlesnake fangs have venom?) Before the ambulance could reach the local hospital, his body became limp and his eyes rolled back in his head. He was taken by helicopter to Portland, Ore., where he was admitted in critical condition; two days later, he was upgraded to "serious." And now he's been released. Which is much better than the snake's condition: "squashed." Under one of Jim Roban's cowboy boots. That's what friends are for. Next time, Matt? Get the bracelets. Posted 11/21/02.
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Rick Horowitz
