Parsing Cheney

Picky, Picky

By Rick Horowitz

Not that he cares what I think.

Not that he cares what you think.

Not that he cares what anyone thinks.

But anyway, here goes: Dick Cheney needs to put a cork in it. Or as the hometown ladies used to say, "He's got some mouth on him, that one!"

Dick Cheney keeps proving that you don't have to look angry to talk angry. In his calm, cool and collected style -- he never raises his voice, he barely raises his eyes -- he just stands there at the lectern and rips the skin off anyone who dares to cross him.

"Shameless," he calls them. Also "reprehensible." Also "dishonest." Also "corrupt." Oh, they've got a right to disagree with him, as long as they limit themselves to the topics he hasn't declared off-limits, as long as they stick to debating the questions as he frames the questions. Engage him on his turf, and his terms, and you're "the essence of democracy."

Step outside the lines he draws and he'll have your guts for breakfast.

Or so he'd like to us to believe. Meanwhile, more and more Americans have stopped feeling awed by this guy who never gives in, never backs down, never fesses up. Dick Cheney's numbers keep tumbling. (Not that he cares what his numbers do.) Suddenly you hear whispers, from people who claim to know, about his waning influence in the Bush administration's inner circles. Suddenly you hear rumors about serious strains in George and Dick's Excellent Relationship.

Or should that be Dick and George's Excellent Relationship? After all, the question of who deserves top billing in that duo has always been a bit of a mystery, hasn't it? Which is why some of us keep sifting through the words -- even the small words -- for whatever clues we can find.

For instance, take this little Dick Cheney quote from his speech the other day:

"The flaws in the intelligence are plain enough in hindsight," he began. "But any suggestion that prewar information was distorted, hyped or fabricated by the leader of the nation is utterly false."

An odd little phrase in there, don't you think? "(D)istorted, hyped or fabricated by the leader of the nation"? Wouldn't you normally just say "the president"? Or even "George Bush"? Why would you fuzz it all up with something as vague as "the leader of the nation"? Or was he -- cue the paranoia -- referring to himself?

When it comes to foreign policy, at least, people have been pretty much assuming for years that George Bush sits in the big chair while Dick Cheney makes the big decisions. No wonder Colin Powell's former deputy was talking recently about a Cheney-Rumsfeld "cabal" that left George Bush out of the loop. So maybe when Cheney was defending the actions of "the leader of the nation," he was really defending himself?

I don't buy it -- it's too cute. Dick Cheney doesn't do cute. Besides, he's been willing to live for years with the fiction that he's nothing more than a loyal No. 2, following the wise and decisive command of his No. 1. Why would he suddenly decide to let people peek behind the curtain?

No -- after further review, I'm convinced that when Dick Cheney refers to "the leader of the nation," he's still referring to George Bush.

So then I start looking at the rest of that sentence: "But any suggestion that prewar information was distorted, hyped or fabricated by the leader of the nation is utterly false."

"By the leader of the nation..."

"By the leader of the nation..."

"By..."

What if the prewar information was "distorted, hyped or fabricated" to "the leader of the nation"? Not "by" George Bush, that is, but "to" George Bush, by the likes of Cheney and Rumsfeld? What if the cherry-picking happened before George Bush ever got his hands on the information? Wouldn't that -- ?

Slow down, I tell myself. Didn't Cheney already say, elsewhere in the same speech, that it's "dishonest and reprehensible" for certain senators to suggest "that the president of the United States or any member of his administration purposely misled the American people on prewar intelligence"? So that would cover Cheney, too, wouldn't it? And Rumsfeld. So what's all the -- ?

Wait a minute. What does he mean by "misled"? How does he define "purposely"? And what about -- ?

Dick Cheney stays calm and cool and collected. It's the rest of us he's driving crazy.

Not that he cares.

Posted 11/22/05. You care about reading award-winning commentary -- that's why you click to "Rick's"!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

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