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Some say... (But some don't.) The "Some" of All FearsBy Rick Horowitz
The day's labours seemingly complete, we were once again at leisure in our modest but comfortable quarters above Baker Street, a sip of brandy more than sufficient in my own case, several puffs on a pipe altogether more appealing to my companion, none other than the redoubtable sleuth, Mr. Headlock Holmes. "So this is how they choose their leaders -- quite a mess, isn't it, Flotsam?" "Why, yes, Holmes, it certainly -- but I have said not a word! How could you possibly have divined that my thoughts had turned to the sorry condition of the American presidential campaign?" Holmes smiled patiently, a father's smile at a simple child, or at one of the lesser reptiles. "I saw you glance at that photograph on the opposite wall -- the Rocky Mountains, where long ago we tracked the Giant Jackalope of Montana -- " " -- for which story the world, alas, is still not ready." "Certainly not. In any case, I then saw you shift your gaze into the middle distance, your thoughts clearly still on America. I observed your half-smile -- indisputable evidence of your continued fondness for our brothers across the pond -- slowly turn into a frown; your jaw tightened, and I even saw you clench your fist. What other meaning could there be, save that you are deeply troubled by the recent TV advertisement aired on behalf of President Bush?" "Holmes," I began, "you never fail to -- " "Besides," he continued, "I read the article over your shoulder." The article in question being a verbatim account of the latest salvo fired by the Republican National Committee. I recited the most troublesome portions aloud. "'Some are now attacking the President for attacking the terrorists....Some call for us to retreat, putting our national security in the hands of others.' Why, Holmes, what awful things for people to say, whoever they are, when this President is doing all within his powers to -- " "Ah, Flotsam -- once again you've put your finger on the very point of intrigue." "I have?" "'Whoever they are,' you said. But who are they? The advertisement says, 'Some are now attacking the President for attacking the terrorists.' And for good measure, 'Some call for us to retreat,' etcetera." "I assume they refer to the Democrats," I replied. "Specifically, to the candidates." "Precisely what they want you to assume! But is it true? Have any of these Democrats said any such thing? In short, Flotsam, who are these mysterious 'Some' who make such inflammatory statements?" With that, Holmes rose to his feet, and reached for his topcoat and his hat. "Flotsam, you will see very little of me in these next few hours. I am off to the Internet cafe, where I shall attempt to separate fact from fiction." The evening lengthened, and I had nearly dropped off to sleep when I heard a familiar tread on the stair. All at once, Holmes was standing above me, his eyes bright with excitement. "Quick, Flotsam, the game is afoot! Pack a bag -- we are off to America." Of all the appurtenances of modern life, jet lag is surely among my least favourite, but it was in just such a condition that I arrived, far too early the next day, in Washington, D.C. Holmes had attempted during the flight to familiarize me with the results of his research; certain details were lost to me, yet I grasped the gist of it: Despite combing through every available news account, speech transcript and position paper, Holmes had yet to turn up even a shred of evidence that any of the Democratic candidates -- or for that matter, any other leading Democrat -- had said anything even approximating what the Republican advertisement claimed "Some" had said. "Flotsam," cried Holmes, "it's the dog that didn't bark!" "Again?" I wondered. (When Holmes is on the case, there is always a dog that doesn't bark.) In any event, I had little time for such musings; from the airport, we quickly hailed a cab, which dropped us off in front of a large but nondescript building on Capitol Hill: the Republican National Committee's headquarters. We clambered through an open window and down a back stairway, until we found ourselves pressed against a cinder-block wall beside a half-open door. The two voices from inside, though unidentifiable, were clear as day. "Try this one," said the first voice. "'The United States should unilaterally disarm.'" "'The United States should unilaterally disarm.'" "Great: 'Some say the United States should unilaterally disarm.'" Now this one: 'We deserved to be attacked by Osama bin Laden.'" "'We deserved to be attacked by Osama bin Laden.'" "Perfect! 'Some even say we deserved to be attacked by Osama bin Laden!'" My heart was pounding. I cupped a hand toward my colleague's ear. "It's not the Democrats at all!" I whispered. "There is no 'Some,' except for the Republicans themselves -- they're just making it up!" Holmes turned to me with furrowed brow. "Alimentary, my dear Flotsam." "Alimentary? But I don't -- " "It's enough to make you sick to your stomach." Posted 11/25/03.
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Rick Horowitz
