The gift that keeps on giving

How to Spot a Patriot

By Rick Horowitz

"A few minutes ago I received a call from Col. Danny Bubp, Ohio Representative from the 88th district in the House of Representatives. He asked me to send Congress a message -- stay the course. He also asked me to send Congressman Murtha a message -- that cowards cut and run, Marines never do."

Jean Schmidt (R-Ohio), on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives

So Thanksgiving is behind us, and we're smack in the thick of the shopping season. We're rushing here and there (and there, and there), trying to come up with the perfect gifts for those special people in our lives.

Why not a Patriot?

No, really -- why not add a little Yankee Doodle Dandy to the holidays with a purchase of an authentic Made in America and Darned Proud of It Patriot, just like the ones you've seen on TV? With American values under attack every day, with brave American men and women facing mortal danger in distant lands, giving a Patriot is a great way to show your loved ones that you care!

An Xbox is fun. An iPod is sleek. But only a Patriot says you're One of Us.

"A Patriot!" you're thinking. "What a great idea! But how do I find them? And how do I make sure I'm getting a real Patriot, and not one of those cheap foreign knock-offs?"

You're in luck! As part of our constant commitment to customer service, we're happy to present the latest edition of our Holiday Shoppers' Guide to Patriots. It's everything you'll need to spot high-quality Patriots in stores and shopping malls near you. You'll find useful tips on every page.

For instance:

How does a Patriot look? It's easy to recognize a real Patriot. No matter where she goes, or what she does, she makes her love for this country perfectly clear, even in the things she wears. Who else but a Patriot would go before the nation all decked out in red, white and blue, positively resplendent in stars and stripes? It's an ensemble that proclaims, "I'm more American than you are!"

How does a Patriot act? A Patriot loves her country so deeply that she won't be held back by those outdated traditions of seniority, or respect. A true Patriot can be the newest member of a large and long-established group and still not hesitate to take the floor to trash a highly respected fellow member.

What does a Patriot say, and how does a Patriot say it? A Patriot is inclusive in her comments. Rather than taking all the credit for the words she utters, she's perfectly willing to pass along something that somebody else supposedly said if it will help her achieve the desired effect.

A Patriot is subtle. She doesn't have to spell things out. She can simply imply that a decorated war veteran is a "coward," for instance, without ever quite saying the particular words in that particular order. That way, if anybody objects to her comments, the Patriot can withdraw them, and insist that she never meant them personally.

A Patriot is modest. If the principal reaction to her words is widespread revulsion, she's perfectly able to say she had no idea they'd attract so much attention. If necessary, the Patriot can even say -- with a straight face -- that her comments were misinterpreted, and blown out of proportion by the media. And don't forget:

A Patriot is sensitive to bruised feelings -- especially her own. If the revulsion over her comments continues to grow, a Patriot has no problem insisting that she's the real victim.

She sounds great, doesn't she? Inspiring. Decorative. And easy to care for.

The Patriot. She deserves a place under somebody's tree.

Posted 11/25/05. For holidays and every day, "Rick's" is the place to click -- spread the word!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

Search the Web Search Rick's!

©2005 Rick Horowitz. All rights reserved.