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Hillary's in She's Running -- You Got a Problem With That?By Rick Horowitz Me and Arnie, we're sitting, we're watching this thing -- like we really have a choice, it's only on every station in New York practically -- and when it's over, Arnie looks at me and he's like, "We need this?" And I'm, "I can't believe you're saying this -- of course we need this! She's a great lady!" With Hillary, everybody argues, even friends. Something about her just pushes people's buttons -- what do I know? Anyway, she finally said she's in it, she definitely wants to be our senator. She says she's moving to that place they just bought up in Westchester, she's leaving the yo-yo back in Washington except maybe weekends they'll get together. But she's in it for keeps. Arnie, he's not even sure about that. He heard her say "I intend" to run, his ears go up like he's some kind of Austin Powers secret agent or something, he's like, "Wiggle room." I'm like, "Arnie, they all do it that way! First they announce they intend to announce, then they announce they're about to announce, then they announce. It's publicity!" And Arnie, he's like, "This is different. This is the Clintons." And I'm, "Don't get me started." You wouldn't believe how much time we wasted on that whole impeachment thing. "They have an interesting way with words," that's what Arnie kept saying all the way through it -- about the yo-yo, mostly, but also about the wife. "They have an interesting way with words." Yeah, so what politician doesn't, you know what I'm saying? Like Giuliani's such a prize? All she was doing was sticking up for her guy, which was perfectly understandable even if he was a total sleazebag at that particular time. Anyway, she says she's dropping most of her First Lady job, whatever that is, to do this Senate thing full time -- that's how bad she wants it. "Bad is right," Arnie says. "She's a totally bad candidate." The only reason she's saying she's in now -- this is Arnie talking, not me -- is she keeps making mistakes, people are getting nervous, does she have what it takes for New York, maybe she's not gonna do it after all. He's talking about the Puerto Rican terrorist thing, and the Palestinian homeland thing, now this thing with kissing the Arafat lady. I'm like, "Arnie, she's still learning! She's not even from here -- you think you could do any better?" He's like, "A million times you're gonna see that kiss. A million times. That and the Yankee hat." I'm like, "Again with the Yankee hat?! Will you just drop it already?" Arnie, he can't drop it. For months now, it's Yankee hat this, Yankee hat that. OK, so maybe it wasn't such a good idea, trying to tell people you've been a Yankee fan all your life when everyone knows you're from Chicago or wherever, where they absolutely hate the Yankees. So she screwed up. What's the big deal? But Arnie's like, "Dukakis with the helmet, Hillary with the hat." If he's doing the Giuliani ads, he says -- other than the kiss, which they're already running -- he just puts her picture on, no sound, just the picture. He starts at the bottom and he moves up and up in slow motion, and then he gets to her head with that goofy grin and the Yankee hat and he just freezes there. Then he has a voice go, "Right..." "Killer ad," Arnie says. And I'm still, "Like Giuliani's such a prize?" Even Arnie doesn't think Giuliani's such a prize. That's the thing that's really got him ticked off -- Hillary and Giuliani. Nineteen million people in New York State, he keeps saying. Nineteen million people, and all we get to choose from is these two? For a whole year? "The murder rate's way down," Arnie says. "But watch the suicide rate." I think he's kidding. Posted 11/25/99.
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Rick Horowitz