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Filing for dollars Professional Candidate? Not Quite.By Rick Horowitz
Every now and again, you look at the job you've got, and you compare it with some other job you've read about or heard about, and you say to yourself: That's the place for me! Until you take a second look. Which is why I come before you today to tell you that I won't be running for Congress. For a minute or two, it seemed like a really good possibility. Then I read the fine print. And then I came up with an even better idea. Understand, I wasn't thinking about actually serving in Congress; I was only thinking about running. And the only reason I was even thinking about that was this new ruling from the Federal Election Commission that said that from now on, candidates for federal office will be able to pay themselves salaries. That's right: salaries, straight from campaign donations -- a sweet deal if ever I heard one. I mean, don't you deserve a big fat raise right about now? Of course you do. And that's exactly how I feel about it. (Not about your raise -- about mine.) This could be just the way to make it happen. But the FEC was a step ahead of me. Those cagey commissioners put a ceiling on those candidate salaries: I couldn't pay myself a higher salary than the new job itself would pay, or more than what I make at my current job -- whichever is less. They wanted to make it easier for the average Joe and Jolene to quit their jobs to run for office. They weren't looking to turn "perpetual candidate" into "winning the lottery." So how am I supposed to make a profit on the deal? Apparently I'm not. But shouldn't I be rewarded -- richly rewarded -- for being willing to shake all those hands and kiss all those babies? Apparently not. (Drool is not, strictly speaking, a reward.) So much for my golden dreams -- dashed before they cashed. But you know the old saying: Whenever the Lord closes one door, He opens some rickety little staircase to the sub-basement. Which is how I was able to hatch an instant alternate plan: I want to be a Deputy Assistant Undersecretary for Friday Afternoon Announcements. You know all about Friday afternoon announcements, don't you? That's where the administration -- this administration, the last administration, any administration with a yen to spin -- releases controversial or embarrassing (or embarrassingly controversial) news they doesn't want anyone to notice. They figure that by releasing it on a Friday, they can bury it in the Saturday papers, which fewer people read, and on the weekend newscasts, which fewer people watch. Sort of the way the Bush team mentioned last week that they were knocking the stuffing out of industrial-air-pollution rules -- a Friday briefing from somebody way down the chain of command at the Environmental Protection Agency. No president, no heavy hitters, no Rose Garden ceremony. They didn't even allow any cameras. Let's say it was less than a full media blitz, the kind of thing they certainly would have produced if they thought people would approve. This wasn't that. Think of it as "news you can lose." And then think of me doing it. That's what I've been thinking -- and I like what I see. Talk about a great job! You work only one day a week. You don't have to buy expensive suits to look good on television. You don't have to be a morning person. You just say your piece and hope nobody hears you. If the subject ever comes up again, you can just say it's "old news." I can do all that. Figure I send my resume off tomorrow. Figure a week until the interview, another week until they hire me. Of course, you know when they'll announce it. Posted 11/26/02.
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Rick Horowitz
