After the tobacco deal:

Where There's Smoke, No Ire

By Rick Horowitz

In a shiny office, in a not-so-distant future...

BLEEP.

"Yes?"

"This is Ashmore -- get me Buttsky."

"Thank you, Mr. Ashmore, but I believe Mr. Buttsky is in with someone at the -- "

"Now. I want him in my office right now."

"Certainly, sir. I'll get him."

"Much better. None of this `he's in with someone' business. I'm the only someone who matters around -- "

"Mr. Ashmore, you asked to see me?"

"Sit down, Buttsky. You can tell me about these quarterly numbers I've got here from Sales."

"Well, we're pretty excited, too, sir. We're showing a definite downtrend in underage smoking in virtually all demographics, and in all regions of the country. Now, these are very preliminary numbers, of course, but they're right in line with our projections, maybe even a point or two better than we -- "

"Are you crazy?"

"Sir?"

"I said, `Are you crazy?' Do you happen to remember the middle name of this company, Buttsky?"

"It's `Tobacco,' sir. It's on that big sign in the lobby."

"So you do know what we do for a living -- that's encouraging. We sell cigarettes, Buttsky."

"Of course we do, sir. But we also promised not to market them to kids anymore. Not that it's been easy keeping them away from the things, I mean, what with all the peer pressure and all on kids these days, but I think we're doing a pretty -- "

"Stop."

"Sir?"

"Stop talking. Of course we promised. We had to promise! That was the only way the states would make the deal."

"I understand that. And so now we -- "

"We're in the cigarette business, Buttsky. People start smoking cigarettes when they're teenagers. If they don't start smoking when they're teenagers, they may never start smoking. Do you know what that means, Buttsky, if they never start smoking?"

"They stay healthy?"

"Our dividends go right in the toilet. We need to find enough replacement smokers to replace the ones who...who..."

"Who need replacing?"

"Exactly. Now, this latest ad campaign of yours -- very professional, very straightforward, absolutely nothing in it that would possibly appeal to kids."

"Why, thank you, sir! I am kind of -- "

"I've got something a little different in mind. What if we had a really attractive couple, maybe 25, real lookers, and they're staring into the camera and their tagline is, `You're not cool enough to smoke.' We could place that thing in every kiddie venue in the country -- show 'em we mean business."

"I don't know, sir. I think there's a real danger of a message like that completely backfiring."

"Do you think?"

"Definitely. I mean, it sounds on the surface like you're discouraging them, but you're really making it kind of a forbidden-fruit kind of thing."

"Is it our fault if certain people take it the wrong way?"

"Well..."

"And we're not allowed to use cartoons anymore, right?"

"Absolutely not."

"So what if we also had a real guy in a trench coat, we'll call him `Joe Hamel,' he's next to some hot sports car, and he's saying, `Don't smoke. Your parents know what's best for you.'"

"`Your parents'?"

"What do you think?"

"I'm not sure it would do what we want it to do."

"On the contrary, Buttsky, I think it would do exactly what we want it to do. I want to see prototypes by next Monday."

"But..."

"And take a look at our new `Alternate Markets' spokesman."

"But...but he's a clown!"

"An adult clown, Buttsky. See the tuxedo?"

"But sir..."

"And he's absolutely real -- his name is Hacko. We signed him yesterday."

"But sir...!"

Posted 11/28/98. Fresh stuff right here twice weekly!

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